I'm pretty harsh on myself. But i fel like I deserve it.
Sometimes I wish I would just grow a backbone and say the things I need to say. I also wish I would learn to manage my time properly, and learn how to get off my lazy ass in the morning.
I wish I would learn how to be a legitimate leader at polo. I wish I wouldn't get tongue tied. I wish...
Meh. I'm done with the self loathing.
Because I know I have strengths too.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Just sayin'
Let me just say this: You think with your brain, you feel with your heart. You don't think with your heart. You don't feel with your brain.
I don't know, I just felt like saying that.
thank you.
I don't know, I just felt like saying that.
thank you.
Monday, October 12, 2009
The Laramie Project, 10 years Later
I just went to it. And I thought it was interesting.
Matthew Shephard is certainly a martyr. He was brutally beaten and killed.
Something that interested me was the reaction of the people closest to Matthew when they heard his death being passed off as something other than it was (a hate crime): a drug deal, a robbery. And understandably so: these misleading claims take the whole focus of his death off of his martyrdom. The mere mention of a fact that contradicted any of the "accepted" story (the canon, if you will) was made to seem as a heresy of sorts.
Yes. I'm comparing their reverence for Shephard to that of Christians for Christ.
And yet, I feel like when people show the same reverence for Jesus, and his cause the Gospel, and strive to keep the truth of his name and history in its place, people mock them. People get so angry at the mere mention of the Bible. When we get angry at a documentary undermining some of the central tenets of our faith, we get angry. They are reducing Jesus to a simple teacher, or a radical, a normal man.
You'd think we'd be angrier. What if we had the same intensity for the integrity a man who gave his life for ours? Perhaps we have become calloused. I speak for myself.
And I suppose this goes both ways. I know there are Christians out there mocking the tragic story of Shephard, trying to mar the story or twist it, trying to lessen the impact his death has had on the GLBTQ community.
Its just a shame. We spend so much time throwing mud at the other side, both sides, that we can't learn from each other.
Matthew Shephard is certainly a martyr. He was brutally beaten and killed.
Something that interested me was the reaction of the people closest to Matthew when they heard his death being passed off as something other than it was (a hate crime): a drug deal, a robbery. And understandably so: these misleading claims take the whole focus of his death off of his martyrdom. The mere mention of a fact that contradicted any of the "accepted" story (the canon, if you will) was made to seem as a heresy of sorts.
Yes. I'm comparing their reverence for Shephard to that of Christians for Christ.
And yet, I feel like when people show the same reverence for Jesus, and his cause the Gospel, and strive to keep the truth of his name and history in its place, people mock them. People get so angry at the mere mention of the Bible. When we get angry at a documentary undermining some of the central tenets of our faith, we get angry. They are reducing Jesus to a simple teacher, or a radical, a normal man.
You'd think we'd be angrier. What if we had the same intensity for the integrity a man who gave his life for ours? Perhaps we have become calloused. I speak for myself.
And I suppose this goes both ways. I know there are Christians out there mocking the tragic story of Shephard, trying to mar the story or twist it, trying to lessen the impact his death has had on the GLBTQ community.
Its just a shame. We spend so much time throwing mud at the other side, both sides, that we can't learn from each other.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Looking at his Photographs
I don't know what to do with my feelings right now.
I'm beginning to realize how much I needed this break. This break in our relationship has been a breath of fresh air that I didn't know I needed.
I looked at his pictures, and i didn't feel a rush of regret or pain. I almost felt indifference. And that kinda freaks me out. Its like our relationship never happened. I wasn't even attracted to him.
I'm at a point where I don't want to see him. Ever.
I don't know what to make of this. It hasn't even been a month since we initiated this break, and my feelings are settling. Have i forgotten how I felt when he gave me those roses? Or when we had our moments alone in his apartment or in echo park?
Why am i only remembering the difficult parts, the awkward parts where I didn't know what to say or do, the fights and the tension? There was plenty of good to go with the bad. But all I can remember is the bad. Does the bad outweigh the good in my mind?
Maybe its a result of the feelings I'd had that led up to us splitting for a while. Maybe those feelings of anxiety are tarnishing what was actually there.
Or maybe its revealing what was there, that I was trying to hide from myself.
I don't know. I have a few months so set things right, and a conversation with him after all this to figure out what to do. I think that conversation will decide what we do. for now, I just need to analyze, analyze, analyze and hope we make the right decision.
I'm beginning to realize how much I needed this break. This break in our relationship has been a breath of fresh air that I didn't know I needed.
I looked at his pictures, and i didn't feel a rush of regret or pain. I almost felt indifference. And that kinda freaks me out. Its like our relationship never happened. I wasn't even attracted to him.
I'm at a point where I don't want to see him. Ever.
I don't know what to make of this. It hasn't even been a month since we initiated this break, and my feelings are settling. Have i forgotten how I felt when he gave me those roses? Or when we had our moments alone in his apartment or in echo park?
Why am i only remembering the difficult parts, the awkward parts where I didn't know what to say or do, the fights and the tension? There was plenty of good to go with the bad. But all I can remember is the bad. Does the bad outweigh the good in my mind?
Maybe its a result of the feelings I'd had that led up to us splitting for a while. Maybe those feelings of anxiety are tarnishing what was actually there.
Or maybe its revealing what was there, that I was trying to hide from myself.
I don't know. I have a few months so set things right, and a conversation with him after all this to figure out what to do. I think that conversation will decide what we do. for now, I just need to analyze, analyze, analyze and hope we make the right decision.
The Golden Compass
AKA the alethiometer. It tells the truth. Mmhmm.
You can't hate a book you've never read before. So despite the past controversy over His Dark Materials, I plan on reading them. I am in the middle of the first one.
I can see the parallels to Narnia that he makes, with the innocent little girl and the author's clear partiality to this type of child both authors have created as the protagonist. The talking animals, the snow and the woods, some random scenes that seem to allude to scenes in the Chronicles. I remember hearing somewhere that His Dark Materials are an atheist's response to the Chronicles. I don't know if that came from the author himself or an analysis, but I can definitely see it. If/When I read the other two books, I might make a comparison. But I can't now.
I'm in a Mood right now. I think they happen on Saturdays when i get bored and my mind wanders.
I have a love-hate relationship with everything that challenges my beliefs. I hate it when they first come along, challenging the very core of my values, catching me off guard in Patricia-land. I hate it when something makes me think, because i don't always like to. I like to blank out and let whatever will come to me (sometimes I think that's how i treat life in general. But that's a different post). As a result, I've become good, too good, at sitting, standing, teetering, on the fence of two ideals.
Sometimes I wonder if i have any opinions at all. I know I do, but sometimes I feel like I'm too objective about life. There are some things that I have no opinion on that I feel like i really should, especially when it comes to Christian-charged topics like the role of women (in marriage, leadership, life), Creation vs. Evolution, evangelism tactics, hell, Bible reading, what to do with my life, etc. And I don't like to act on anything unless I'm sure of my opinion. So I'm sure to the outsider that i am a ridiculously passive person, and I guess in some ways I am.
Meh.
You can't hate a book you've never read before. So despite the past controversy over His Dark Materials, I plan on reading them. I am in the middle of the first one.
I can see the parallels to Narnia that he makes, with the innocent little girl and the author's clear partiality to this type of child both authors have created as the protagonist. The talking animals, the snow and the woods, some random scenes that seem to allude to scenes in the Chronicles. I remember hearing somewhere that His Dark Materials are an atheist's response to the Chronicles. I don't know if that came from the author himself or an analysis, but I can definitely see it. If/When I read the other two books, I might make a comparison. But I can't now.
I'm in a Mood right now. I think they happen on Saturdays when i get bored and my mind wanders.
I have a love-hate relationship with everything that challenges my beliefs. I hate it when they first come along, challenging the very core of my values, catching me off guard in Patricia-land. I hate it when something makes me think, because i don't always like to. I like to blank out and let whatever will come to me (sometimes I think that's how i treat life in general. But that's a different post). As a result, I've become good, too good, at sitting, standing, teetering, on the fence of two ideals.
Sometimes I wonder if i have any opinions at all. I know I do, but sometimes I feel like I'm too objective about life. There are some things that I have no opinion on that I feel like i really should, especially when it comes to Christian-charged topics like the role of women (in marriage, leadership, life), Creation vs. Evolution, evangelism tactics, hell, Bible reading, what to do with my life, etc. And I don't like to act on anything unless I'm sure of my opinion. So I'm sure to the outsider that i am a ridiculously passive person, and I guess in some ways I am.
Meh.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Singes Minges
Ohhh Christian Dating relationships, they are so awkward.
I've decided that I hate the dating process. I think guys and girls should be friends and single until they are ready to marry. None of this petty, stupid, relationship crap that makes all your friends jealous and sad that they don't have one to cling to and cry to and call every night, that keeps you up at night wondering if this is the ONE. I hate the pressure to date, the pressure to BE IN A RELATIONSHIP before you get married.
I don't know how this situation would manifest itself. But in theory, it sounds great to me.
Especially if, like my situation, the guy and girl are going down the abstinent path.
I am sick of dating. I've dated my current boyfriend for almost 3 years (We're taking a break now), and I feel like much of it has been a lot of awkward sexual tension. There has been a lot of great memories, of course, but... the tension is there still. We are both very "bashful" people, as he describes it, and we haven't gone very far (1st base, pretty much). But I'm sure we've thought about it enough. More than enough. I sure have. And it drives me crazy, but in the fantasy it just seems so right.
It makes a friendship near impossible if you want to just be friends for a while post-relationship, because you can never be friends in the normal sense, not after all those emotions you went though together, all the "almost"s and the "we shouldn't do this"s. As much as you love the friendship you have, it can't ever be just a friendship. There will always be the nagging stowaways in the back of your mind, reminding you of what once was.
Christians who value saving sex for marriage are caught in such a strange limbo. This is me. No sex. Until marriage. It kinda sucks, and while I definitely value my virginity, I REALLY want to give it to someone meaningful SOON. And he'd BETTER appreciate it.
Either that, or I'm moving to Virgin Island. No, not the ones named for Queen Elizabeth I. Nope, I'm finding an island and creating a haven for tormented women in sex-less long-term dating relationships with no changes of the last name in sight. We will eat brownies and watch non-romantic comedies and have strobe-light parties. I will hole myself up there, with nothing to remind me of this thing called sex that our United-Statesian culture worships and loves so much.
My boyfriend with whom I am taking a break is definitely meaningful to me. But I want to go through all of college single (as in not married). I decided this a while ago. But I didn't know then what I know now about what happens when you are sexually attracted to someone, someone you are with a lot, someone you are emotionally attached to as well, someone you love. I didn't think I even had that capacity in high school. OH MAN is it difficult. Three years. Three whole years of this sexually tense friendship that I cherish with all my anxiety ridden, emotionally bipolar, soft, squishy, heart. I LOVE HIM BUT I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE TENSION!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh, I hate sex. I'll probably love it when it happens to me (with my consent of course) but for now, I hate it. It tortures me, it wont leave me alone. Its always there, as I walk to school or sit at home or play water polo. Its like smelling hot fudge all the time but never getting to have any, not even a taste, until you get the MRS degree, the contract/diploma, the marriage/class ring, the white dress/black robes, the garter/tassel.
God gave me this drive of the sexual nature. It is intended for good. But it makes my life so hard sometimes, and I haven't even USED it. All its done it make me cramp and bleed and kill off potential children once a month, not to mention the money wasted on chocolate and the inner urge to punch a random passerby in a blaze of fury and immediately apologize for my Aunt Flo's erratic behavior.
This felt good to write. Its not out my system by any means, but I humor-ized it and I feel a bit less psychotic than I did approximately an hour ago. I feel like I can deal.
I've decided that I hate the dating process. I think guys and girls should be friends and single until they are ready to marry. None of this petty, stupid, relationship crap that makes all your friends jealous and sad that they don't have one to cling to and cry to and call every night, that keeps you up at night wondering if this is the ONE. I hate the pressure to date, the pressure to BE IN A RELATIONSHIP before you get married.
I don't know how this situation would manifest itself. But in theory, it sounds great to me.
Especially if, like my situation, the guy and girl are going down the abstinent path.
I am sick of dating. I've dated my current boyfriend for almost 3 years (We're taking a break now), and I feel like much of it has been a lot of awkward sexual tension. There has been a lot of great memories, of course, but... the tension is there still. We are both very "bashful" people, as he describes it, and we haven't gone very far (1st base, pretty much). But I'm sure we've thought about it enough. More than enough. I sure have. And it drives me crazy, but in the fantasy it just seems so right.
It makes a friendship near impossible if you want to just be friends for a while post-relationship, because you can never be friends in the normal sense, not after all those emotions you went though together, all the "almost"s and the "we shouldn't do this"s. As much as you love the friendship you have, it can't ever be just a friendship. There will always be the nagging stowaways in the back of your mind, reminding you of what once was.
Christians who value saving sex for marriage are caught in such a strange limbo. This is me. No sex. Until marriage. It kinda sucks, and while I definitely value my virginity, I REALLY want to give it to someone meaningful SOON. And he'd BETTER appreciate it.
Either that, or I'm moving to Virgin Island. No, not the ones named for Queen Elizabeth I. Nope, I'm finding an island and creating a haven for tormented women in sex-less long-term dating relationships with no changes of the last name in sight. We will eat brownies and watch non-romantic comedies and have strobe-light parties. I will hole myself up there, with nothing to remind me of this thing called sex that our United-Statesian culture worships and loves so much.
My boyfriend with whom I am taking a break is definitely meaningful to me. But I want to go through all of college single (as in not married). I decided this a while ago. But I didn't know then what I know now about what happens when you are sexually attracted to someone, someone you are with a lot, someone you are emotionally attached to as well, someone you love. I didn't think I even had that capacity in high school. OH MAN is it difficult. Three years. Three whole years of this sexually tense friendship that I cherish with all my anxiety ridden, emotionally bipolar, soft, squishy, heart. I LOVE HIM BUT I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE TENSION!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh, I hate sex. I'll probably love it when it happens to me (with my consent of course) but for now, I hate it. It tortures me, it wont leave me alone. Its always there, as I walk to school or sit at home or play water polo. Its like smelling hot fudge all the time but never getting to have any, not even a taste, until you get the MRS degree, the contract/diploma, the marriage/class ring, the white dress/black robes, the garter/tassel.
God gave me this drive of the sexual nature. It is intended for good. But it makes my life so hard sometimes, and I haven't even USED it. All its done it make me cramp and bleed and kill off potential children once a month, not to mention the money wasted on chocolate and the inner urge to punch a random passerby in a blaze of fury and immediately apologize for my Aunt Flo's erratic behavior.
This felt good to write. Its not out my system by any means, but I humor-ized it and I feel a bit less psychotic than I did approximately an hour ago. I feel like I can deal.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Its a simple concept
Today, my prayer was simple: "Dear Lord, thank you for giving me that spiritual punch in the face that made everything so clear."
I've been really bogged down lately about "God's will for my life" and "What God thinks I should do" about this and that. And I've decided that thinking this way is a chasing after the wind. Yes.
"The mature Christian is more concerned with serving God today than finding God's will for tomorrow." (thechristianwoman.com... don't know the author's name)
*punch* ow.
This punch is two-fold. First, it pretty much tells me up front what an immature loser I am for wasting my thoughts and prayers on things that shouldn't be taking me away from my quiet times. Second, it sheds a terrible light on my (lack of a) "spirits heart" when it comes to God. Serving him in the simple things like reading my Bible, praying, serving others. Simple worship that I haven't been doing because my mind has been "out to lunch."
So stupid. I hate the thought of all that wasted time and emotion.
So tomorrow, I will change things. I will start my day with a quiet time. A quiet time doesn't need to be anything special, just a conversation in the morning with Someone Special. I think, if nothing else changes in my habits, this habit will probably make a big difference, more than changing most. And I used to resist the idea of having a quiet time in the morning, because I can't really see or think in the morning until I've been up a while. Excuses excuses! I will find a way to wake up. Take that, morning grogginess! I am coming after you!
I think, this way, the prospect of God's Will will not be so scary when the time comes for me to face it. Because then, once I am in the habit of serving God in the little things, taking a bigger step forward will be the natural thing to do, habitual.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
I've been really bogged down lately about "God's will for my life" and "What God thinks I should do" about this and that. And I've decided that thinking this way is a chasing after the wind. Yes.
"The mature Christian is more concerned with serving God today than finding God's will for tomorrow." (thechristianwoman.com... don't know the author's name)
*punch* ow.
This punch is two-fold. First, it pretty much tells me up front what an immature loser I am for wasting my thoughts and prayers on things that shouldn't be taking me away from my quiet times. Second, it sheds a terrible light on my (lack of a) "spirits heart" when it comes to God. Serving him in the simple things like reading my Bible, praying, serving others. Simple worship that I haven't been doing because my mind has been "out to lunch."
So stupid. I hate the thought of all that wasted time and emotion.
So tomorrow, I will change things. I will start my day with a quiet time. A quiet time doesn't need to be anything special, just a conversation in the morning with Someone Special. I think, if nothing else changes in my habits, this habit will probably make a big difference, more than changing most. And I used to resist the idea of having a quiet time in the morning, because I can't really see or think in the morning until I've been up a while. Excuses excuses! I will find a way to wake up. Take that, morning grogginess! I am coming after you!
I think, this way, the prospect of God's Will will not be so scary when the time comes for me to face it. Because then, once I am in the habit of serving God in the little things, taking a bigger step forward will be the natural thing to do, habitual.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Rejection
I'm terrified of it.
I'm only friends, I'm starting to realize, with people that are easy to be friends with. Generally people who aren't sarcastic, who don't shoot me down, who like me. And I'm also realizing that it doesn't match up going the other way. This is not how it should be. But its the easiest way to live: the age old path of least resistance.
Being kind and friendly to people who don't reciprocate these. Being an open book to everyone (within reason). Being myself around everyone, not hiding behind my phlegmatic front that I give people who I think will dislike me. This is what I want to do.
It goes the same when it comes to being a light for Christ. I only am when it is easy. When it gets hard, I just stop. Its dumb. But I guess its normal.
Actually, it goes for everything. In school if it gets hard, I stop trying. With relationships, when it gets hard, I stop trying. With Bible studies, when it gets hard, I stop trying. Arg.
Lazy lazy lazy. And I know I'm not the only person like this. Its a deceptively vicious cycle that is easy to get caught in.
I'm only friends, I'm starting to realize, with people that are easy to be friends with. Generally people who aren't sarcastic, who don't shoot me down, who like me. And I'm also realizing that it doesn't match up going the other way. This is not how it should be. But its the easiest way to live: the age old path of least resistance.
Being kind and friendly to people who don't reciprocate these. Being an open book to everyone (within reason). Being myself around everyone, not hiding behind my phlegmatic front that I give people who I think will dislike me. This is what I want to do.
It goes the same when it comes to being a light for Christ. I only am when it is easy. When it gets hard, I just stop. Its dumb. But I guess its normal.
Actually, it goes for everything. In school if it gets hard, I stop trying. With relationships, when it gets hard, I stop trying. With Bible studies, when it gets hard, I stop trying. Arg.
Lazy lazy lazy. And I know I'm not the only person like this. Its a deceptively vicious cycle that is easy to get caught in.
Friday, August 7, 2009
*POP*
Another bubble of mine has been popped, in a way that makes me feel a little bit more out of the loop of life.
Of course its about sex. Sometimes I feel like everyone has had it except me. Even here in this Christian Bubble I'm working at I feel that way. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it makes me feel like I developed wrong or something.
The bubble was about how many Christians have actually *done it* that are my age (21) and never married (a lot. Great stats, I know). I should have figured, of course, but I think I left the bubble there in its place to make me feel like less of a prude. Now its gone, dangit, and I have to sit here and try to figure out why I'm a prude, why guys scare me, and what I can learn from it.
I'm a virgin, not out of my own ambition to be one, but just because of who I am. I completely close myself off to guys who try to get too close. The reason I'm with my boyfriend is that he kept knocking, even making me feel awkward at times with all his obnoxious knocking, until I finally just opened up to him. I wonder if, given the opportunity, or temptation, if you will, if I would have given in. I suppose I'll never know.
Of course its about sex. Sometimes I feel like everyone has had it except me. Even here in this Christian Bubble I'm working at I feel that way. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it makes me feel like I developed wrong or something.
The bubble was about how many Christians have actually *done it* that are my age (21) and never married (a lot. Great stats, I know). I should have figured, of course, but I think I left the bubble there in its place to make me feel like less of a prude. Now its gone, dangit, and I have to sit here and try to figure out why I'm a prude, why guys scare me, and what I can learn from it.
I'm a virgin, not out of my own ambition to be one, but just because of who I am. I completely close myself off to guys who try to get too close. The reason I'm with my boyfriend is that he kept knocking, even making me feel awkward at times with all his obnoxious knocking, until I finally just opened up to him. I wonder if, given the opportunity, or temptation, if you will, if I would have given in. I suppose I'll never know.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Blargh
I like books for the adventure of reading, for the stories they tell, not for advice or wisdom.
I hate reading books to change my life. I prefer learning by experience. And while I know from other people that this is the hardest and most dangerous way to learn stuff, I learn it best by screwing up a couple times before getting it right. I've been lucky enough to figure a few things out before they got too far, but who knows what will happen next?
I feel a little detatched right now. I think its just my mood of the day. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel like life is amazing! and be happy.
Blah.
I hate reading books to change my life. I prefer learning by experience. And while I know from other people that this is the hardest and most dangerous way to learn stuff, I learn it best by screwing up a couple times before getting it right. I've been lucky enough to figure a few things out before they got too far, but who knows what will happen next?
I feel a little detatched right now. I think its just my mood of the day. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel like life is amazing! and be happy.
Blah.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Jesus Wept
Sometimes God's Word makes my heart feel so heavy.
This week's study was about Lazarus dying, and being raised from the dead by Jesus. But the point wasn't his amazing power to do miracles for us (although that is pretty cool). The point was that he didn't fix the problem before it happened. The point was that Jesus allowed so many people to go through so much pain before he decided to do anything about the situation. He waited, because he knew that this was the best way to bring glory to where it needed to go: to God Himself.
Jesus' top priority isn't us. Its not our feelings. Its not our wants or needs. He values them, certainly, but it is God's will and God's Glory that are most important to him. The reason he came to Earth wasn't ultimately for us. It was for God.
A friend was talking about the song "Above All" on a hike here at Glorieta, and how one line in that song really turns the meaning around if you look at it a certain way. "You took the fall... and thought of me... above all." She was saying that if you look at it as a human singing, then the song is false, but if you look at it as God singing, the song is true. He thought of God above all, not me.
That being said, another point is brought up. One thing that really confused me aboutthis passage was that Jesus wept. I always wondered how he could cry, when he knew that he was about to make all things right again. He knew it would be a happy ending!
But the ending isn't why he is crying. God designed the world to be perfect. But since it isn't, pain and suffering abound on Earth. Jesus wept because of the pain that his people had to go through to see God's glory. He wept because he was angry, because it didn't have to be this way. The pain we feel is also felt by Jesus, by God. He weeps when we weep. Its pretty incredible. Its difficult to wrap my head around.
I feel like there are a lot of loose ends I want to tie up in this. But my brain hurts. I need to talk about it more.
This week's study was about Lazarus dying, and being raised from the dead by Jesus. But the point wasn't his amazing power to do miracles for us (although that is pretty cool). The point was that he didn't fix the problem before it happened. The point was that Jesus allowed so many people to go through so much pain before he decided to do anything about the situation. He waited, because he knew that this was the best way to bring glory to where it needed to go: to God Himself.
Jesus' top priority isn't us. Its not our feelings. Its not our wants or needs. He values them, certainly, but it is God's will and God's Glory that are most important to him. The reason he came to Earth wasn't ultimately for us. It was for God.
A friend was talking about the song "Above All" on a hike here at Glorieta, and how one line in that song really turns the meaning around if you look at it a certain way. "You took the fall... and thought of me... above all." She was saying that if you look at it as a human singing, then the song is false, but if you look at it as God singing, the song is true. He thought of God above all, not me.
That being said, another point is brought up. One thing that really confused me aboutthis passage was that Jesus wept. I always wondered how he could cry, when he knew that he was about to make all things right again. He knew it would be a happy ending!
But the ending isn't why he is crying. God designed the world to be perfect. But since it isn't, pain and suffering abound on Earth. Jesus wept because of the pain that his people had to go through to see God's glory. He wept because he was angry, because it didn't have to be this way. The pain we feel is also felt by Jesus, by God. He weeps when we weep. Its pretty incredible. Its difficult to wrap my head around.
I feel like there are a lot of loose ends I want to tie up in this. But my brain hurts. I need to talk about it more.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Glorieta post 2
I'm finally feeling settled in.
Its all so routine now. work, hang out, watch tv, hike, read, sleep, play a random sport, in some order. Every day. And I like it. I think its refreshing. Its a nice little Christian bubble, a nice break away from the stress of college.
God is very patient with me as I slowly understand the things he is trying to get me to understand.
1. I feel like I came here with a sense of superiority, like I had finally unsheltered myself almost completely, and therefore I knew better about everything than most others here. Ironic, huh? Now that I know about all the ridiculous bad stuff in the world, I know all about being a good person. Bad attitude. Very bad. When I read Nehemiah's prayer to God in the first chapter, I was humbled by his humble attitude, despite his leadership position. I guess the best leaders are the most humble. Probably why I've never been a good one.
Gotta say, though, its a common thing for people to equate unsheltered with uncool. I'm not alone in that. But I've decided that the people who think that usually make lame "That's what she said" jokes ;)
2. Marriage is a serious matter. Its a lifetime commitment. A covenant, if you will. Its starting to scare me, but God keeps assuring me that he knows what he's doing, and that however things turn out, it will be for the best, for both of us. I'm glad to be away from the whole situation to clear my head in the thin air of the mountains.
3. I might want to lead a Bible study again. I think my heart is in the right place so that I can now successfully lead one. I didn't like it before, because I felt like I had to do all this stuff and know everything. I felt like the people I led with or was in a Bible study with knew a lot more than I did. I think now it just takes a little prayer and a little dedication, and humility.
I think this summer I'm learning about humility and waiting on the Lord to take care of me. I think those are the big things.
One frustration: We have this quote board, for the funny stuff people say. Yeah. Its become the "Who can make the most awkward sex comment" board. Gosh. Like 75% of the board is a sexual innuendo, intentional or not. I'm ok with sex jokes, but make them good, seriously. And I'm sick of all the homo-erotic humor with the guys. Its so gross. They're not gay. They should not act like that. Its not funny. Fail.
K. Done. No more complaints. Life is pretty good up here. I initially thought I was in the wrong place, but I'm definitely seeing things differently now. I'm starting to think God can use you anywhere, even in the opposite place you wanted to be, that you thought you would be happiest or best equipped at. Gosh.
Its all so routine now. work, hang out, watch tv, hike, read, sleep, play a random sport, in some order. Every day. And I like it. I think its refreshing. Its a nice little Christian bubble, a nice break away from the stress of college.
God is very patient with me as I slowly understand the things he is trying to get me to understand.
1. I feel like I came here with a sense of superiority, like I had finally unsheltered myself almost completely, and therefore I knew better about everything than most others here. Ironic, huh? Now that I know about all the ridiculous bad stuff in the world, I know all about being a good person. Bad attitude. Very bad. When I read Nehemiah's prayer to God in the first chapter, I was humbled by his humble attitude, despite his leadership position. I guess the best leaders are the most humble. Probably why I've never been a good one.
Gotta say, though, its a common thing for people to equate unsheltered with uncool. I'm not alone in that. But I've decided that the people who think that usually make lame "That's what she said" jokes ;)
2. Marriage is a serious matter. Its a lifetime commitment. A covenant, if you will. Its starting to scare me, but God keeps assuring me that he knows what he's doing, and that however things turn out, it will be for the best, for both of us. I'm glad to be away from the whole situation to clear my head in the thin air of the mountains.
3. I might want to lead a Bible study again. I think my heart is in the right place so that I can now successfully lead one. I didn't like it before, because I felt like I had to do all this stuff and know everything. I felt like the people I led with or was in a Bible study with knew a lot more than I did. I think now it just takes a little prayer and a little dedication, and humility.
I think this summer I'm learning about humility and waiting on the Lord to take care of me. I think those are the big things.
One frustration: We have this quote board, for the funny stuff people say. Yeah. Its become the "Who can make the most awkward sex comment" board. Gosh. Like 75% of the board is a sexual innuendo, intentional or not. I'm ok with sex jokes, but make them good, seriously. And I'm sick of all the homo-erotic humor with the guys. Its so gross. They're not gay. They should not act like that. Its not funny. Fail.
K. Done. No more complaints. Life is pretty good up here. I initially thought I was in the wrong place, but I'm definitely seeing things differently now. I'm starting to think God can use you anywhere, even in the opposite place you wanted to be, that you thought you would be happiest or best equipped at. Gosh.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Glorieta Post 1
Here I am, a big summer camp dining hall lunch-lady/dish-washer extroardinaire. And now, here comes the flow of questions! I'm sure they'll be answered in due time, but until then, I'll mull them over in the back of my mind.
1. Does God command you not to marry someone? If He does, then how? I always hear about people saying that "God told me not to marry this person because of *this and that*." I know this is often used as an excuse to break up with someone in a holy-sounding way, but sometimes people were so much better off without the person, even if they loved them. I find this odd and counter-intuitive. I guess, in a roundabout way, I'm asking myself and God if I'll be married to my boyfriend by next summer or not. (I'm sure it has nothing to do witht he two back to back weddings I just attended... ;) ) I want to be sure, but being sure is driving us both crazy. Blarg.
sidenote: I've decided that the Fear of Commitment is the lamest excuse ever. Who ISN'T afraid of diving into something wholeheartedly and having to put time and effort into something? Srsly. Whenever I'm afraid to commit to something, its because I'm just too lazy to do it, or I have (or think I have) good reasons for not doing it or stalling it. Ultimately, it isn't fear of commitment. *steps off soap box*
2. Called vs. Chosen. I heard an interesting talk this first week about being "driven" vs being "called." I have a lot of insecurity around people who say they have "found their calling" in missions or teaching or whatever, while I'm sitting here wondering what to do with my life. I don't know how much waiting I should do or how much "doing" I should do. For now, I'm just following my heart and doing what I want to do and/or feel I should do, and seeing what happens.
I wonder right now if even coming here was an attempt at being "driven," or as a cover up for running away (figuratively) again, or a little bit of both. I felt like God wanted me here, but I wonder if my insistence on going made me ignore Him?
*brain hurts*
3. Spiritual gifts. Does Paul mention ALL of them in the Bible, or can a certain person have one that is particular to that person (like the Spiritual Gift of Video Game Pwnage)? Are Paul's just general gifts such that every Christian should have at least one? If someone can reach Christ though video games, does that make it a gift, or a calling, or ? And we should strive to obtain the higher gifts, I read. Is a gift like a talent, similar to music or sports, such that no matter what level of natural ability the person has, they can always improve in it with practice? Is a "worldly" gift lesser than a spiritual gift? Or are they the same in the sense that God gives them to us?
I think I need a vocab lesson in Christian-ese. I'm getting all my terms mixed up. Maybe not going to church for 2 months is whittling down my skillz.
Maybe I should drop Christian-ese since I'm failing it.
Oh, one more thing. I keep finding all of these "hints" on how Christianity should be:
-How much you love God is reflected in how much you love His Word
-A woman should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him to find her
-lots of stuff about how being passionate is good (I don't remember the wording, this is jsut the impression I got)
I think people should be careful when writing these things. They all have an element of truth, to be sure, and it is good to have encouraging words. But the first one implies that the person who reads the Bible more loves God more. That kinda bothers me. It toes the line of legalism. (I do think reading the Bible is good) The second one sounds great, but it also bothers me. I'm not "lost" in God. I'm lost here on Earth, and God is the light I'm trying to follow out of this mess. Maybe I'm just weird. And all the passionate stuff just makes me feel inadequate and awkward. I don't always wake up with a smile on my face, proclaiming "I LOVE GOD!!!!" to the world with flower petals streaming out of my hair after my nature walk with Jesus (I figure heaven might be like that, maybe minus the petals). Sometimes my passion tank is completely dry, and I'm running on the fumes of the few Bible verses I have memorized. I guess I suck at life on these days, hmm?
Its not that I hate encouraging words. Sometimes, though, the most encouraging thing for me is for someone to tell me they are going through the same thing and this is how they are dealing with it. I don't like how impersonal the notes are.
I'm hunting for something real in all of this, and I know it is here. The prayer garden is awesome. I hope to learn a lot. This is kinda my *BLARGH* post right now.
1. Does God command you not to marry someone? If He does, then how? I always hear about people saying that "God told me not to marry this person because of *this and that*." I know this is often used as an excuse to break up with someone in a holy-sounding way, but sometimes people were so much better off without the person, even if they loved them. I find this odd and counter-intuitive. I guess, in a roundabout way, I'm asking myself and God if I'll be married to my boyfriend by next summer or not. (I'm sure it has nothing to do witht he two back to back weddings I just attended... ;) ) I want to be sure, but being sure is driving us both crazy. Blarg.
sidenote: I've decided that the Fear of Commitment is the lamest excuse ever. Who ISN'T afraid of diving into something wholeheartedly and having to put time and effort into something? Srsly. Whenever I'm afraid to commit to something, its because I'm just too lazy to do it, or I have (or think I have) good reasons for not doing it or stalling it. Ultimately, it isn't fear of commitment. *steps off soap box*
2. Called vs. Chosen. I heard an interesting talk this first week about being "driven" vs being "called." I have a lot of insecurity around people who say they have "found their calling" in missions or teaching or whatever, while I'm sitting here wondering what to do with my life. I don't know how much waiting I should do or how much "doing" I should do. For now, I'm just following my heart and doing what I want to do and/or feel I should do, and seeing what happens.
I wonder right now if even coming here was an attempt at being "driven," or as a cover up for running away (figuratively) again, or a little bit of both. I felt like God wanted me here, but I wonder if my insistence on going made me ignore Him?
*brain hurts*
3. Spiritual gifts. Does Paul mention ALL of them in the Bible, or can a certain person have one that is particular to that person (like the Spiritual Gift of Video Game Pwnage)? Are Paul's just general gifts such that every Christian should have at least one? If someone can reach Christ though video games, does that make it a gift, or a calling, or ? And we should strive to obtain the higher gifts, I read. Is a gift like a talent, similar to music or sports, such that no matter what level of natural ability the person has, they can always improve in it with practice? Is a "worldly" gift lesser than a spiritual gift? Or are they the same in the sense that God gives them to us?
I think I need a vocab lesson in Christian-ese. I'm getting all my terms mixed up. Maybe not going to church for 2 months is whittling down my skillz.
Maybe I should drop Christian-ese since I'm failing it.
Oh, one more thing. I keep finding all of these "hints" on how Christianity should be:
-How much you love God is reflected in how much you love His Word
-A woman should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him to find her
-lots of stuff about how being passionate is good (I don't remember the wording, this is jsut the impression I got)
I think people should be careful when writing these things. They all have an element of truth, to be sure, and it is good to have encouraging words. But the first one implies that the person who reads the Bible more loves God more. That kinda bothers me. It toes the line of legalism. (I do think reading the Bible is good) The second one sounds great, but it also bothers me. I'm not "lost" in God. I'm lost here on Earth, and God is the light I'm trying to follow out of this mess. Maybe I'm just weird. And all the passionate stuff just makes me feel inadequate and awkward. I don't always wake up with a smile on my face, proclaiming "I LOVE GOD!!!!" to the world with flower petals streaming out of my hair after my nature walk with Jesus (I figure heaven might be like that, maybe minus the petals). Sometimes my passion tank is completely dry, and I'm running on the fumes of the few Bible verses I have memorized. I guess I suck at life on these days, hmm?
Its not that I hate encouraging words. Sometimes, though, the most encouraging thing for me is for someone to tell me they are going through the same thing and this is how they are dealing with it. I don't like how impersonal the notes are.
I'm hunting for something real in all of this, and I know it is here. The prayer garden is awesome. I hope to learn a lot. This is kinda my *BLARGH* post right now.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The Unlikely Disciple
I'm so excited to read this book. Its exactly the perspective I've been wanting: an honest-to-goodness look at Conservative Christian Culture from the perspective of a liberal agnostic college kid point of view. I read the first chapter 5 minutes ago and am already excited. Maybe I wont be sleeping tonight (bad idea, but finals are over! and I'm in the best mood ever). half.com and Arizona Daily Star, you made this literary adventure possible by providing me knowledge of and affordable access to this book. Thank You, and Good Night.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Grrr
Sometimes, I just want to scream at someone, but I don't have the words. So instead, I just am silent, so I don't yell incoherently.
I always hear it said to not pen up your anger. Often, the first step is putting words to your feelings before you can do this properly. As I am slow with words, I don't get this chance often. And I'm never sure how long after the anger-inducing incident would still be an acceptable time to release the feelings. And so they sit.
Fail. Epic fail. I really want school to be done now so I can stop being emo, and stop hating myself for being a bad student.
I always hear it said to not pen up your anger. Often, the first step is putting words to your feelings before you can do this properly. As I am slow with words, I don't get this chance often. And I'm never sure how long after the anger-inducing incident would still be an acceptable time to release the feelings. And so they sit.
Fail. Epic fail. I really want school to be done now so I can stop being emo, and stop hating myself for being a bad student.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Advice
I am pretty terrible at giving advice. I usually have to think and overthink an issue before I get a good idea of how things should go, and usually by then the problem is over. I don't have a lot of life experience. I go by what I observe and what I hear and what I feel, all of which I know can be misleading.
So what do I trust if I can't trust my own understanding?
I suppose I should "Trust in the LORD with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding," but that is ridiculously hard. I don't think it is emphasized enough how hard it really is to believe in Christianity. I don't know how many times I have sat back and looked at how crazy my beliefs truly are. A man in ancient Israel who is actually God incarnate lives, preaches amazing things, and is crucified. Then, he comes back to life, conquering death and saving us all from ourselves (if we so choose)! He moves in all of us through the Holy Spirit, which changes our outlook on the world from our heart outward.
Incredible, no? I completely understand why people think we are weird! Sometimes we've been around this message so long, we compare it to the simplicity of 2+2=4 (which, if you take math philosophy, may not be so simple. But we wont talk about that. You're welcome.), and when people don't get it we get frustrated with them. What if someone asked you to take a red pill and allow some other spirit being to come in and change your life? Would you do it?
Another thing that often strikes me is how late in Christs life his ministry began: 30 years old. I feel like I am so often pressured to "use my college years for the glory of God! Go Go Go on missions! Its the best time ever to do so!" And I suppose it is the best time physically, but I feel like I'm cramming for some sort of test (I feel the same way about our education system, but I wont talk about that either. You're welcome again.). Why did Jesus wait until he was 30? To gain enough life experience to have a good ministry and an accurate assessment of the human condition? To grow out of adolescence and not have hormones racing through his body all the time? In essence, to become mature? Was Christ always mature? Did he cry as a baby? I'm only speculating, but it gives me something to wonder about, and encourages me in the fact that I don't have to have something spectacular happening in my life yet to be considered a Good Child of God.
In case you couldn't tell from my other posts, I am very insecure about myself and my future and my place in life. I suppose its the college condition.
So back to my point, I am still unsure of my ability as of now to give advice. If someone asks me what to do, and I don't have an answer, I kinda feel like a jerk or a bad friend or something. I want to help, but advice is not my strongest suit. I feel ridiculously immature. If I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how should I know what someone else is supposed to do?
I've been learning to pray whenever I am confused about something like this. Writing helps too, though. It organizes my jumbled, scattered thought process and puts it in plain, simple English. And even though I am still confused, I am now confused with a clear mind.
So what do I trust if I can't trust my own understanding?
I suppose I should "Trust in the LORD with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding," but that is ridiculously hard. I don't think it is emphasized enough how hard it really is to believe in Christianity. I don't know how many times I have sat back and looked at how crazy my beliefs truly are. A man in ancient Israel who is actually God incarnate lives, preaches amazing things, and is crucified. Then, he comes back to life, conquering death and saving us all from ourselves (if we so choose)! He moves in all of us through the Holy Spirit, which changes our outlook on the world from our heart outward.
Incredible, no? I completely understand why people think we are weird! Sometimes we've been around this message so long, we compare it to the simplicity of 2+2=4 (which, if you take math philosophy, may not be so simple. But we wont talk about that. You're welcome.), and when people don't get it we get frustrated with them. What if someone asked you to take a red pill and allow some other spirit being to come in and change your life? Would you do it?
Another thing that often strikes me is how late in Christs life his ministry began: 30 years old. I feel like I am so often pressured to "use my college years for the glory of God! Go Go Go on missions! Its the best time ever to do so!" And I suppose it is the best time physically, but I feel like I'm cramming for some sort of test (I feel the same way about our education system, but I wont talk about that either. You're welcome again.). Why did Jesus wait until he was 30? To gain enough life experience to have a good ministry and an accurate assessment of the human condition? To grow out of adolescence and not have hormones racing through his body all the time? In essence, to become mature? Was Christ always mature? Did he cry as a baby? I'm only speculating, but it gives me something to wonder about, and encourages me in the fact that I don't have to have something spectacular happening in my life yet to be considered a Good Child of God.
In case you couldn't tell from my other posts, I am very insecure about myself and my future and my place in life. I suppose its the college condition.
So back to my point, I am still unsure of my ability as of now to give advice. If someone asks me what to do, and I don't have an answer, I kinda feel like a jerk or a bad friend or something. I want to help, but advice is not my strongest suit. I feel ridiculously immature. If I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how should I know what someone else is supposed to do?
I've been learning to pray whenever I am confused about something like this. Writing helps too, though. It organizes my jumbled, scattered thought process and puts it in plain, simple English. And even though I am still confused, I am now confused with a clear mind.
Friday, May 1, 2009
My Water Polo Verse
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2
Bible words
So I was on bible.com today, and I was reading about what they think the Bible says about certian issues.
I think what makes things like this sound so high and holy is the amount of Bible language they use. I looked at one on masturbation, and they said in about 5 paragraphs what I can say in three: It's an addiction. But they kept going on and on about "purity" and "lust" and "self-control" and "God's wonderful creation" etc. I get it already! Children masturbate all the time without knowing it. Are they doing it out of lust for that poster on the wall? I'm not arguing for whether or not this is a good or a bad thing. I just wish that places with "bible answers" would speak in plain english and not in "christian"-ish.
I feel like most of the thing we are told not to do in church are because they are addicting to some people, like smoking or drinking or masturbating or drugs or, in the case of Mormons and probably many christians (though I don't know any), caffeine. I know that everyone has their limits. However, just because Susie over here goes crazy and runs her mouth after one drink doesn't mean Sally over here will. Smoking is a fairly recent thing considered "unchristian" since it was regarded as unhealthy. And it is addicting. However, from what I've gathered talking to people who do smoke, some of them addict to it more than others.
The basis behind everything is "Thou shalt not have any other idols before me." And you absolutely should not put anything before God. And I think there are some things that the Bible is clear about that a God-fearing Christian should not do, like adultery and murder and what-not. But if the Bible doesn't specify, I think it should be up to each person where their line for these things is to be drawn, not the church.
I think what makes things like this sound so high and holy is the amount of Bible language they use. I looked at one on masturbation, and they said in about 5 paragraphs what I can say in three: It's an addiction. But they kept going on and on about "purity" and "lust" and "self-control" and "God's wonderful creation" etc. I get it already! Children masturbate all the time without knowing it. Are they doing it out of lust for that poster on the wall? I'm not arguing for whether or not this is a good or a bad thing. I just wish that places with "bible answers" would speak in plain english and not in "christian"-ish.
I feel like most of the thing we are told not to do in church are because they are addicting to some people, like smoking or drinking or masturbating or drugs or, in the case of Mormons and probably many christians (though I don't know any), caffeine. I know that everyone has their limits. However, just because Susie over here goes crazy and runs her mouth after one drink doesn't mean Sally over here will. Smoking is a fairly recent thing considered "unchristian" since it was regarded as unhealthy. And it is addicting. However, from what I've gathered talking to people who do smoke, some of them addict to it more than others.
The basis behind everything is "Thou shalt not have any other idols before me." And you absolutely should not put anything before God. And I think there are some things that the Bible is clear about that a God-fearing Christian should not do, like adultery and murder and what-not. But if the Bible doesn't specify, I think it should be up to each person where their line for these things is to be drawn, not the church.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Arg
I'm so sick of everyone white washing their views and broadsweeping everyone else's views. I'm sick of all of the hypocrisy and arrogance of people when they fight. It makes me so angry, especially when one loudmouth starts yelling "ignorant!" or "heathen!" "@$$hole!" and crowds of people follow suit. What makes it worse is when people deny that their side ever uses the antics and the below-the-belt tactics that the other side does.
"...Anyone who says to his brother "You Fool!" is in danger of the fire of hell." I think Jesus doesn't like it when we insult each-other like two little kids fighting over a toy.
It happens everywhere. Politics, Religion, Science, School catfights, Civil Disputes, HOAs. Ugh.
Do you ever just wonder why we can't all just get along?
We all just want to look good. I think that is the bottom line here. Its a power struggle. We want to be "right." We want to win the election. We want other people's respect.
But, in the words of Zoolander, "Maybe there is something more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking." I know, he was just talking about physical looks, but I think it can be applied to most aspects of life. There's more to life than being right all the time, or winning, or being the best mathematician, or coming up with that argument that completely PWNS the other side.
Not everyone has to be a hero. In fact, most people shouldn't be a hero in the god-like sense of telling people how they should think. Because all of us have some flaw in our thinking.
Ideally, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Ideally, we would all learn from each-other. But instead of iron, we are like rubber, and we just keep bouncing and bonking off of each other.
It leads me to doubt the sincerity of some people who call for "bridging the gap" in our highly divided country. I feel like many of the people who say this are also the ones who throw insults around.
Of course, there are many people who do want to work together with those who are different. But I don't think there are enough.
I think everyone has validity in what they think about the world. From their perspective, from their observations, deductions, conjectures, they have formed a worldview. I think anyone can learn from a different worldview while holding on to their deepest convictions. But we're too scared to find out what might burst our happy little bubble (or angry, secluded, shielded bubble, for that matter).
"...Anyone who says to his brother "You Fool!" is in danger of the fire of hell." I think Jesus doesn't like it when we insult each-other like two little kids fighting over a toy.
It happens everywhere. Politics, Religion, Science, School catfights, Civil Disputes, HOAs. Ugh.
Do you ever just wonder why we can't all just get along?
We all just want to look good. I think that is the bottom line here. Its a power struggle. We want to be "right." We want to win the election. We want other people's respect.
But, in the words of Zoolander, "Maybe there is something more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking." I know, he was just talking about physical looks, but I think it can be applied to most aspects of life. There's more to life than being right all the time, or winning, or being the best mathematician, or coming up with that argument that completely PWNS the other side.
Not everyone has to be a hero. In fact, most people shouldn't be a hero in the god-like sense of telling people how they should think. Because all of us have some flaw in our thinking.
Ideally, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Ideally, we would all learn from each-other. But instead of iron, we are like rubber, and we just keep bouncing and bonking off of each other.
It leads me to doubt the sincerity of some people who call for "bridging the gap" in our highly divided country. I feel like many of the people who say this are also the ones who throw insults around.
Of course, there are many people who do want to work together with those who are different. But I don't think there are enough.
I think everyone has validity in what they think about the world. From their perspective, from their observations, deductions, conjectures, they have formed a worldview. I think anyone can learn from a different worldview while holding on to their deepest convictions. But we're too scared to find out what might burst our happy little bubble (or angry, secluded, shielded bubble, for that matter).
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Confused Part II
So I have a lot more peace about my boyfriend situation. I asked God to give me His heart and His mind on the situation, and I feel a lot better about everything. I feel like I can make a decision and have the courage to go through with it.
I guess God really does answer prayer. Where before, i would mull over a problem and let it stress me out until I made a decision purely out of frustration, this time I looked it square in the face and asked God to give me the courage and discernment to make the right decision. There were no tears or tantrums this time. Before, I had my own mindset, and I was going to do what I wanted to do no matter what God said. Now, I see how childish that is.
I wonder what would have happened if I had had the right attitude when I got these feelings before. I might have a completely different life. Or maybe it would be the same, but with less regrets. I don't know. But that would have required me to be a different person, so I guess the issue is moot.
I think I've learned more about God's character and my own character through this relationship than going to church has ever taught me. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. Maybe its not a thing, its just how it is.
I've learned to trust my feelings. I've learned that prayer works if you have the right attitude. I've learned to be open about what I'm thinking. I've learned that I'm not crazy. I've learned a lot more, and I wont bore anyone with the laundry list.
Its crazy what God will do with your attitude when you open your heart to Him.
So I guess the title of this post is misleading, but it continues what was said on Confused but Waiting.
I guess God really does answer prayer. Where before, i would mull over a problem and let it stress me out until I made a decision purely out of frustration, this time I looked it square in the face and asked God to give me the courage and discernment to make the right decision. There were no tears or tantrums this time. Before, I had my own mindset, and I was going to do what I wanted to do no matter what God said. Now, I see how childish that is.
I wonder what would have happened if I had had the right attitude when I got these feelings before. I might have a completely different life. Or maybe it would be the same, but with less regrets. I don't know. But that would have required me to be a different person, so I guess the issue is moot.
I think I've learned more about God's character and my own character through this relationship than going to church has ever taught me. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. Maybe its not a thing, its just how it is.
I've learned to trust my feelings. I've learned that prayer works if you have the right attitude. I've learned to be open about what I'm thinking. I've learned that I'm not crazy. I've learned a lot more, and I wont bore anyone with the laundry list.
Its crazy what God will do with your attitude when you open your heart to Him.
So I guess the title of this post is misleading, but it continues what was said on Confused but Waiting.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Childlike Faith
I used to think that "childlike faith" meant unquestioning, unfailing devotion to Christ. But I don't think that way anymore. I think that should be called "robot-like faith." And God did not create robots.
I'm sure parents sometimes would love little robots that cleaned their rooms when asked and didn't jump on the bed or talk with their mouths full. But along with the disobedience would go the character, personality, and most importantly, the love.
I feel like people say that God didn't create robots all the time, but that we are expected to behave like them. That could be just me though.
Children question everything. I feel like they always ask "Why why why?" about everything there is to know. They are always learning. If they don't understand something, they ask. Sometimes they ask embarrassing questions and say odd things. When you tell them not to touch the stove or climb the shelves, they interpret that as exactly the opposite.
But do parents love them anyway? Yes! Do they provide for them anyway? Yes!
And despite the household rules we must follow and the punishments that follow, do we still love our parents? Yes!
This is how I feel a relationship with Christ should look like. Us just exploring life and learning everything we can about it, sometimes getting hurt and often breaking rules in the process. Christ using whatever means necessary to steer us in the right direction. With a relationship of love in both directions. Being able to go to Him with our problems and questions, no matter how "strange" or "blasphemous" the questions seem. I think He wants us to bring those to Him especially so he can give us the correct answer, instead of the world's (often) incorrect answer.
This is my ideal. It may be extreme, because I tend to live in the opposite world of self-repression, but its what I wish I was more like.
I'm sure parents sometimes would love little robots that cleaned their rooms when asked and didn't jump on the bed or talk with their mouths full. But along with the disobedience would go the character, personality, and most importantly, the love.
I feel like people say that God didn't create robots all the time, but that we are expected to behave like them. That could be just me though.
Children question everything. I feel like they always ask "Why why why?" about everything there is to know. They are always learning. If they don't understand something, they ask. Sometimes they ask embarrassing questions and say odd things. When you tell them not to touch the stove or climb the shelves, they interpret that as exactly the opposite.
But do parents love them anyway? Yes! Do they provide for them anyway? Yes!
And despite the household rules we must follow and the punishments that follow, do we still love our parents? Yes!
This is how I feel a relationship with Christ should look like. Us just exploring life and learning everything we can about it, sometimes getting hurt and often breaking rules in the process. Christ using whatever means necessary to steer us in the right direction. With a relationship of love in both directions. Being able to go to Him with our problems and questions, no matter how "strange" or "blasphemous" the questions seem. I think He wants us to bring those to Him especially so he can give us the correct answer, instead of the world's (often) incorrect answer.
This is my ideal. It may be extreme, because I tend to live in the opposite world of self-repression, but its what I wish I was more like.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Confused but waiting
Sometimes I feel like I really should do something, but I don't know where the urge is coming from.
A few years ago, I felt this strong urge to quit my basketball team. I didn't want to quit the team. Well, I did and I didn't, but that's a long story. Anyway, I convinced myself that it was God telling me to quit, and if I didn't, I would die and go to hell that very night, like in the Old Testament. I had a huge panic attack and couldn't sleep for hours. Of course, I finally went to sleep and woke up fine. I never did end up quitting, but I had this guilt following like I was doing something wrong.
Last year, I had another similar urge to quit my water polo team. Same situation: I kinda did and I kinda didn't want to quit. I mulled over it a long time, read the Bible, listened to sermons, and they seemed to confirm that I should quit. So that time I acted on my feelings and quit for a semester, to see what happened. I got some hang out time with my friends, but I ended up missing it so much that I went back to play, somewhat guiltily but happily none-the-less. Now I'm doing amazingly and improving a lot. Nothing amazing happened when I quit. I didn't feel any "good job"s from God or anything. Just some more relaxation time.
Now the new urge is to break up with my boyfriend of a few years. I don't want to. I love him. I would marry him if he asked me to. And the guilt trip my mind is putting me on is that I am idolizing my boyfriend and putting him above God. So my conscience says "So if this really is God, I should break up with him to show him that I do not idolize my boyfriend." Like how Abraham had to sacrifice Isaac to prove his love for God (I know God told him not to go through with it, but he would have if God asked him to). Then my logic says "But how do you know this is actually God speaking to you?" All the while, my heart is crying "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" This puts me into all kinds of moral conundrums and whatever that just make me feel worse after thinking through them, and I wonder if God is trying to test me or if I'm just putting it all on myself.
Sometimes I'm afraid to pray, because these thoughts flood my brain immediately after I say "Dear Lord", either in my head or out loud.
It reminds me, on a lesser level, of the people who are absolutely sure God wanted them to go out and kill that one guy, or that God wanted them to commit genocide, when it was really what was in their own hearts that was the problem. But I can't seem to shake the feelings. Wherever I go they are there (except when I am playing water polo or with my boyfriend).
It confuses me. But writing it out kind of helped me see the patterns, the similarities and differences in the three situations. I figure when the moment comes that I absolutely must decide what to do about my boyfriend, I will know in my heart what to do. I hope.
A few years ago, I felt this strong urge to quit my basketball team. I didn't want to quit the team. Well, I did and I didn't, but that's a long story. Anyway, I convinced myself that it was God telling me to quit, and if I didn't, I would die and go to hell that very night, like in the Old Testament. I had a huge panic attack and couldn't sleep for hours. Of course, I finally went to sleep and woke up fine. I never did end up quitting, but I had this guilt following like I was doing something wrong.
Last year, I had another similar urge to quit my water polo team. Same situation: I kinda did and I kinda didn't want to quit. I mulled over it a long time, read the Bible, listened to sermons, and they seemed to confirm that I should quit. So that time I acted on my feelings and quit for a semester, to see what happened. I got some hang out time with my friends, but I ended up missing it so much that I went back to play, somewhat guiltily but happily none-the-less. Now I'm doing amazingly and improving a lot. Nothing amazing happened when I quit. I didn't feel any "good job"s from God or anything. Just some more relaxation time.
Now the new urge is to break up with my boyfriend of a few years. I don't want to. I love him. I would marry him if he asked me to. And the guilt trip my mind is putting me on is that I am idolizing my boyfriend and putting him above God. So my conscience says "So if this really is God, I should break up with him to show him that I do not idolize my boyfriend." Like how Abraham had to sacrifice Isaac to prove his love for God (I know God told him not to go through with it, but he would have if God asked him to). Then my logic says "But how do you know this is actually God speaking to you?" All the while, my heart is crying "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" This puts me into all kinds of moral conundrums and whatever that just make me feel worse after thinking through them, and I wonder if God is trying to test me or if I'm just putting it all on myself.
Sometimes I'm afraid to pray, because these thoughts flood my brain immediately after I say "Dear Lord", either in my head or out loud.
It reminds me, on a lesser level, of the people who are absolutely sure God wanted them to go out and kill that one guy, or that God wanted them to commit genocide, when it was really what was in their own hearts that was the problem. But I can't seem to shake the feelings. Wherever I go they are there (except when I am playing water polo or with my boyfriend).
It confuses me. But writing it out kind of helped me see the patterns, the similarities and differences in the three situations. I figure when the moment comes that I absolutely must decide what to do about my boyfriend, I will know in my heart what to do. I hope.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Love
I just realized today what a depressing person I can be.
Not with my words. Not with my actions really. I just feel like I emit depressing vibes to everyone I touch sometimes. Because sometimes I get really, really depressed, for no apparent reason. No one has died in my circle of life. No accidents. Just the usual stress of school and work.
Don't you love it when something you have known for a long time just walks up and smacks you in the face? Bible study today was 1 John 4:12-2o-something, and I think reading it aloud I read "love" about 50 times in that short passage. I glossed over it, thinking "yeah, yeah, I know" the whole time.
But now, I realize that my life has been very much lacking this core ingredient. Love makes your life worth living. We were created for love. But this past semester I have just been putting up this cold wall between myself and the world, and it has ruined it for me. A life without love sucks. It is torture. It is wandering through the jungle by yourself with no end in sight. It is being alone among thousands of people.
The only things I ever feel like doing involve something I love. Water polo, hanging out with my boyfriend or my family or my ever-shrinking list of friends.
I need to figure out how to express my love for others, whatever that means. Of course its different for different people, but I need to learn to not hide it. I'm an awkward person because I have a hard time expressing what I really feel. I get so so so awkward I can't even stand it. My awkwardness comes from my unwillingless to express what I really feel.
Love can fix things. Love is what we were created to do, above everything else. Love God, love others, as the saying goes.
A Christian life without love is like Calculus without Algebra: You will fail without it. Algebra is the basic building block of all higher math. Algebra is everywhere. Solving for those Xs and those Ys don't seem so important your freshman year of high school. But you use it more and more as you get higher in math. You can't do the math without all that Algebra. I think love is the same. You can't live the Christian life without love. It is the basic building block of everything.
Its my cheesy metaphor. But it works for me.
Not with my words. Not with my actions really. I just feel like I emit depressing vibes to everyone I touch sometimes. Because sometimes I get really, really depressed, for no apparent reason. No one has died in my circle of life. No accidents. Just the usual stress of school and work.
Don't you love it when something you have known for a long time just walks up and smacks you in the face? Bible study today was 1 John 4:12-2o-something, and I think reading it aloud I read "love" about 50 times in that short passage. I glossed over it, thinking "yeah, yeah, I know" the whole time.
But now, I realize that my life has been very much lacking this core ingredient. Love makes your life worth living. We were created for love. But this past semester I have just been putting up this cold wall between myself and the world, and it has ruined it for me. A life without love sucks. It is torture. It is wandering through the jungle by yourself with no end in sight. It is being alone among thousands of people.
The only things I ever feel like doing involve something I love. Water polo, hanging out with my boyfriend or my family or my ever-shrinking list of friends.
I need to figure out how to express my love for others, whatever that means. Of course its different for different people, but I need to learn to not hide it. I'm an awkward person because I have a hard time expressing what I really feel. I get so so so awkward I can't even stand it. My awkwardness comes from my unwillingless to express what I really feel.
Love can fix things. Love is what we were created to do, above everything else. Love God, love others, as the saying goes.
A Christian life without love is like Calculus without Algebra: You will fail without it. Algebra is the basic building block of all higher math. Algebra is everywhere. Solving for those Xs and those Ys don't seem so important your freshman year of high school. But you use it more and more as you get higher in math. You can't do the math without all that Algebra. I think love is the same. You can't live the Christian life without love. It is the basic building block of everything.
Its my cheesy metaphor. But it works for me.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Debates
I get so indignant when people argue with me about something I believe strongly (it doesn't happen too often, but when it does, WATCH OUT). In high school I remember arguing about Creation vs. Evolution with some friends, and about Abortion another time. I also would go onto Christian message boards where Christians and Atheists and Pagans and Everyone Else would just go at it about everything under the sun, and it would anger me sometimes and depress me at others the things all parties would say. NONE of it, and I mean ZERO, went toward furthering my faith. When a Christian would use a cheap debate tactic to prove a point, I actually felt myself die a little bit inside, although I didn't quite understand why at the time.
I brought my concerns up to my dad once, and he told me something that I try to remember when I am ready to go tell some arrogant "heathen" what-for (because ultimately, in the heat of battle, that is how I see them. Bad, I know, but that's just how it is). He told me that ultimately, "it" isn't about Creation vs. Evolution, or Abortion, or Homosexuality, or Supporting Barack Obama, or any of that. Ultimatley, "it" is about Christ's sacrifice on the cross, and about His blood cleansing us from sin, saving us from ourselves and from hell. That is what matters.
For this reason, I get angry when in discussing politics or issues like the ones above people say or act like "God is on their side." Are you really going to speak for God? Are you His appointed messenger on the sins of Homosexuality? Abortion? Illegal Immigration? The Book of Revelation? What about that other guy that thinks he's right and that his ideas must be what God thinks, and therefore you're wrong? Do you really know what God thinks about everything?
I read about the Pharisees and the Sadducees, and my mind immediately goes to United States politics. They would go to Jesus with their political issues and try to debate him or try to one-up either Jesus himself or someone else. Did Jesus engage their debate? Nope, the conversations were pretty short. He would either confound them and the watching crowd with such a simple concept that a child could understand it, or he would say something so bold that they were ready to stone him. Or, as with "marriage after the ressurection" confrontation with the Sadducees, he would just discard the idea altogether.
"And they were astonished at his teaching."
I think if Jesus were to come back today, despite our vast knowledge and our access to His word, we would all be "astonished" and "amazed" (and probably deeply humbled) at what He has to say. But we walk around like we have all the answers to everyone's problems. You're gay? Become a Christian!! You'll be straight in no time! Depressed? Let God carry your burdens! Oh, you're still sad? You must not have good enough faith. It couldn't possibly be a chemical imbalance in your brain or something. Pregnant? Keep your child at all costs! Don't even consider the economic hardship it might put you through or how much it will change your life. If you keep it, you'll get heaven points. If not, well, I hope you like heat.
Are the unsaved really going to be "astonished" at our words? My experience tells me that they know exactly what we will say to them before we say it. Will even other Christians be more than mildly affected with your "amazing insights"? Honestly? I understand that those are exaggerations of what is actually said, but what are the undertones of the statements of "truth" you are making? I feel like they are often as ridiculous as the ones above, but that people are not bold enough to say what their beliefs actually imply (and for good reason).
So what good is debating then? I believe it gives you the credibility of knowing what you're talking about and not just having blind faith. It is good for pulling out every little implication or oversight of every theory or "truth" that someone claims to be fact, if you have a talent for it. DEBATE IS GOOD!!! But everything should not lean on it. I feel like Christians fall into the debate trap far, far too much, especially when they do not have a gift for it or have too much "zeal without knowledge". There are other ways to spread Christ with your own gifts and talents than arguing with people about the validity of that one verse in 2 Kings that seems to contradict that other verse in 2 Chronicles.
I suppose my point here is to PICK YOUR BATTLES. Decide how much this argument really matters in the long run. Ask yourself and God if it is simply a friendly discussion or an angry discourse. And please, please, PLEASE don't end off anything with "Well, I'll pray that God changes your mind" or something similar. This shows such a disrespect for the other person's intellect that any respect they might have had for you will go out the window and into oncoming traffic.
I brought my concerns up to my dad once, and he told me something that I try to remember when I am ready to go tell some arrogant "heathen" what-for (because ultimately, in the heat of battle, that is how I see them. Bad, I know, but that's just how it is). He told me that ultimately, "it" isn't about Creation vs. Evolution, or Abortion, or Homosexuality, or Supporting Barack Obama, or any of that. Ultimatley, "it" is about Christ's sacrifice on the cross, and about His blood cleansing us from sin, saving us from ourselves and from hell. That is what matters.
For this reason, I get angry when in discussing politics or issues like the ones above people say or act like "God is on their side." Are you really going to speak for God? Are you His appointed messenger on the sins of Homosexuality? Abortion? Illegal Immigration? The Book of Revelation? What about that other guy that thinks he's right and that his ideas must be what God thinks, and therefore you're wrong? Do you really know what God thinks about everything?
I read about the Pharisees and the Sadducees, and my mind immediately goes to United States politics. They would go to Jesus with their political issues and try to debate him or try to one-up either Jesus himself or someone else. Did Jesus engage their debate? Nope, the conversations were pretty short. He would either confound them and the watching crowd with such a simple concept that a child could understand it, or he would say something so bold that they were ready to stone him. Or, as with "marriage after the ressurection" confrontation with the Sadducees, he would just discard the idea altogether.
"And they were astonished at his teaching."
I think if Jesus were to come back today, despite our vast knowledge and our access to His word, we would all be "astonished" and "amazed" (and probably deeply humbled) at what He has to say. But we walk around like we have all the answers to everyone's problems. You're gay? Become a Christian!! You'll be straight in no time! Depressed? Let God carry your burdens! Oh, you're still sad? You must not have good enough faith. It couldn't possibly be a chemical imbalance in your brain or something. Pregnant? Keep your child at all costs! Don't even consider the economic hardship it might put you through or how much it will change your life. If you keep it, you'll get heaven points. If not, well, I hope you like heat.
Are the unsaved really going to be "astonished" at our words? My experience tells me that they know exactly what we will say to them before we say it. Will even other Christians be more than mildly affected with your "amazing insights"? Honestly? I understand that those are exaggerations of what is actually said, but what are the undertones of the statements of "truth" you are making? I feel like they are often as ridiculous as the ones above, but that people are not bold enough to say what their beliefs actually imply (and for good reason).
So what good is debating then? I believe it gives you the credibility of knowing what you're talking about and not just having blind faith. It is good for pulling out every little implication or oversight of every theory or "truth" that someone claims to be fact, if you have a talent for it. DEBATE IS GOOD!!! But everything should not lean on it. I feel like Christians fall into the debate trap far, far too much, especially when they do not have a gift for it or have too much "zeal without knowledge". There are other ways to spread Christ with your own gifts and talents than arguing with people about the validity of that one verse in 2 Kings that seems to contradict that other verse in 2 Chronicles.
I suppose my point here is to PICK YOUR BATTLES. Decide how much this argument really matters in the long run. Ask yourself and God if it is simply a friendly discussion or an angry discourse. And please, please, PLEASE don't end off anything with "Well, I'll pray that God changes your mind" or something similar. This shows such a disrespect for the other person's intellect that any respect they might have had for you will go out the window and into oncoming traffic.
Vampires
A mood vampire. Do you know one?
Sometimes it is your roommate. Sometimes it is your family. Sometimes it is even your best friend.
What is a mood vampire?
A mood vampire is someone or something that just makes your day go bad every time you must come into contact with it. It sucks anything good that happened out of your day and leaves you with bad feelings, usually anger and frustration.
What happens when a person is bitten by a vampire in the movies? Well, they become a vampire. This is exactly what happens with mood vampires: Once it sucks the happy out of you, you go around with all these negative feelings inside. Then you find someone happy and your bad mood bites their happy one, and puts them in a bad mood too. And so the cycle goes.
A mood vampire usually has no idea that they are one: they just go along with what they do, not realizing that they are just ruining your day. In which case, it is your responsibility to tell them, is it not? How will they ever know if you don't tell them?
But even if they do know, will they change? They could write it off as "just their personality." They might argue that it isn't their fault. They might try to make you feel badly. How does someone kill a mood vampire? Do you just force a silver stake of happiness into their anger? Do you shed joyful sunlight on the negative feelings rotting away inside them? And how can you continue to stick by someone so depressing that they call a coffin their bed?
I suppose "With man this is impossible, but God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26). "But this is a hard thing to accept and live with. Where does someone call it quits so that their own sanity doesn't deteriorate? Should you ever?
Sometimes it is your roommate. Sometimes it is your family. Sometimes it is even your best friend.
What is a mood vampire?
A mood vampire is someone or something that just makes your day go bad every time you must come into contact with it. It sucks anything good that happened out of your day and leaves you with bad feelings, usually anger and frustration.
What happens when a person is bitten by a vampire in the movies? Well, they become a vampire. This is exactly what happens with mood vampires: Once it sucks the happy out of you, you go around with all these negative feelings inside. Then you find someone happy and your bad mood bites their happy one, and puts them in a bad mood too. And so the cycle goes.
A mood vampire usually has no idea that they are one: they just go along with what they do, not realizing that they are just ruining your day. In which case, it is your responsibility to tell them, is it not? How will they ever know if you don't tell them?
But even if they do know, will they change? They could write it off as "just their personality." They might argue that it isn't their fault. They might try to make you feel badly. How does someone kill a mood vampire? Do you just force a silver stake of happiness into their anger? Do you shed joyful sunlight on the negative feelings rotting away inside them? And how can you continue to stick by someone so depressing that they call a coffin their bed?
I suppose "With man this is impossible, but God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26). "But this is a hard thing to accept and live with. Where does someone call it quits so that their own sanity doesn't deteriorate? Should you ever?
Monday, March 30, 2009
The Funny Wo-Man
Apparently I have a gift of humor.
But is that all that I am good for?
People love that I make them laugh. I suppose that's a good thing. I've always been a joker. Jocular. Its a good word for me. It holds a double meaning: jock-ular, as in athlete, and jocular, as in being a joker. But how can I use this for good? For Christ?
But is that all that I am good for?
People love that I make them laugh. I suppose that's a good thing. I've always been a joker. Jocular. Its a good word for me. It holds a double meaning: jock-ular, as in athlete, and jocular, as in being a joker. But how can I use this for good? For Christ?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
First Post: time to focus on the positive
My previous blogs can be summmed up in a few words: emo, self-serving, immature. I want to move beyond that. Life can suck, and life can be great. But most of all, life is a gift. I want to enjoy it and examine it and look at it for what it is, and use it to worship God and not myself. So my purpose in writing this is to change my gaze from inward and outward in this world to upward, toward God. I want to see my life through His eyes, and I can't do that while focusing on self pity and anger and indignation. I want to see it through wisdom, shedding a light on things I've been hiding behind and letting God change me.
I know, its a cheezy name for a blog, but since my old one was pure_stupidity I thought this was a nice change from that, and I think its appropriate.
I know, its a cheezy name for a blog, but since my old one was pure_stupidity I thought this was a nice change from that, and I think its appropriate.
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