Looking at his Photographs

I don't know what to do with my feelings right now.

I'm beginning to realize how much I needed this break. This break in our relationship has been a breath of fresh air that I didn't know I needed.

I looked at his pictures, and i didn't feel a rush of regret or pain. I almost felt indifference. And that kinda freaks me out. Its like our relationship never happened. I wasn't even attracted to him.

I'm at a point where I don't want to see him. Ever.

I don't know what to make of this. It hasn't even been a month since we initiated this break, and my feelings are settling. Have i forgotten how I felt when he gave me those roses? Or when we had our moments alone in his apartment or in echo park?

Why am i only remembering the difficult parts, the awkward parts where I didn't know what to say or do, the fights and the tension? There was plenty of good to go with the bad. But all I can remember is the bad. Does the bad outweigh the good in my mind?

Maybe its a result of the feelings I'd had that led up to us splitting for a while. Maybe those feelings of anxiety are tarnishing what was actually there.

Or maybe its revealing what was there, that I was trying to hide from myself.

I don't know. I have a few months so set things right, and a conversation with him after all this to figure out what to do. I think that conversation will decide what we do. for now, I just need to analyze, analyze, analyze and hope we make the right decision.