Glorieta Post 1

Here I am, a big summer camp dining hall lunch-lady/dish-washer extroardinaire. And now, here comes the flow of questions! I'm sure they'll be answered in due time, but until then, I'll mull them over in the back of my mind.

1. Does God command you not to marry someone? If He does, then how? I always hear about people saying that "God told me not to marry this person because of *this and that*." I know this is often used as an excuse to break up with someone in a holy-sounding way, but sometimes people were so much better off without the person, even if they loved them. I find this odd and counter-intuitive. I guess, in a roundabout way, I'm asking myself and God if I'll be married to my boyfriend by next summer or not. (I'm sure it has nothing to do witht he two back to back weddings I just attended... ;) ) I want to be sure, but being sure is driving us both crazy. Blarg.

sidenote: I've decided that the Fear of Commitment is the lamest excuse ever. Who ISN'T afraid of diving into something wholeheartedly and having to put time and effort into something? Srsly. Whenever I'm afraid to commit to something, its because I'm just too lazy to do it, or I have (or think I have) good reasons for not doing it or stalling it. Ultimately, it isn't fear of commitment. *steps off soap box*

2. Called vs. Chosen. I heard an interesting talk this first week about being "driven" vs being "called." I have a lot of insecurity around people who say they have "found their calling" in missions or teaching or whatever, while I'm sitting here wondering what to do with my life. I don't know how much waiting I should do or how much "doing" I should do. For now, I'm just following my heart and doing what I want to do and/or feel I should do, and seeing what happens.

I wonder right now if even coming here was an attempt at being "driven," or as a cover up for running away (figuratively) again, or a little bit of both. I felt like God wanted me here, but I wonder if my insistence on going made me ignore Him?

*brain hurts*

3. Spiritual gifts. Does Paul mention ALL of them in the Bible, or can a certain person have one that is particular to that person (like the Spiritual Gift of Video Game Pwnage)? Are Paul's just general gifts such that every Christian should have at least one? If someone can reach Christ though video games, does that make it a gift, or a calling, or ? And we should strive to obtain the higher gifts, I read. Is a gift like a talent, similar to music or sports, such that no matter what level of natural ability the person has, they can always improve in it with practice? Is a "worldly" gift lesser than a spiritual gift? Or are they the same in the sense that God gives them to us?

I think I need a vocab lesson in Christian-ese. I'm getting all my terms mixed up. Maybe not going to church for 2 months is whittling down my skillz.

Maybe I should drop Christian-ese since I'm failing it.

Oh, one more thing. I keep finding all of these "hints" on how Christianity should be:
-How much you love God is reflected in how much you love His Word
-A woman should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him to find her
-lots of stuff about how being passionate is good (I don't remember the wording, this is jsut the impression I got)

I think people should be careful when writing these things. They all have an element of truth, to be sure, and it is good to have encouraging words. But the first one implies that the person who reads the Bible more loves God more. That kinda bothers me. It toes the line of legalism. (I do think reading the Bible is good) The second one sounds great, but it also bothers me. I'm not "lost" in God. I'm lost here on Earth, and God is the light I'm trying to follow out of this mess. Maybe I'm just weird. And all the passionate stuff just makes me feel inadequate and awkward. I don't always wake up with a smile on my face, proclaiming "I LOVE GOD!!!!" to the world with flower petals streaming out of my hair after my nature walk with Jesus (I figure heaven might be like that, maybe minus the petals). Sometimes my passion tank is completely dry, and I'm running on the fumes of the few Bible verses I have memorized. I guess I suck at life on these days, hmm?

Its not that I hate encouraging words. Sometimes, though, the most encouraging thing for me is for someone to tell me they are going through the same thing and this is how they are dealing with it. I don't like how impersonal the notes are.

I'm hunting for something real in all of this, and I know it is here. The prayer garden is awesome. I hope to learn a lot. This is kinda my *BLARGH* post right now.