Love

I just realized today what a depressing person I can be.

Not with my words. Not with my actions really. I just feel like I emit depressing vibes to everyone I touch sometimes. Because sometimes I get really, really depressed, for no apparent reason. No one has died in my circle of life. No accidents. Just the usual stress of school and work.

Don't you love it when something you have known for a long time just walks up and smacks you in the face? Bible study today was 1 John 4:12-2o-something, and I think reading it aloud I read "love" about 50 times in that short passage. I glossed over it, thinking "yeah, yeah, I know" the whole time.

But now, I realize that my life has been very much lacking this core ingredient. Love makes your life worth living. We were created for love. But this past semester I have just been putting up this cold wall between myself and the world, and it has ruined it for me. A life without love sucks. It is torture. It is wandering through the jungle by yourself with no end in sight. It is being alone among thousands of people.

The only things I ever feel like doing involve something I love. Water polo, hanging out with my boyfriend or my family or my ever-shrinking list of friends.

I need to figure out how to express my love for others, whatever that means. Of course its different for different people, but I need to learn to not hide it. I'm an awkward person because I have a hard time expressing what I really feel. I get so so so awkward I can't even stand it. My awkwardness comes from my unwillingless to express what I really feel.

Love can fix things. Love is what we were created to do, above everything else. Love God, love others, as the saying goes.

A Christian life without love is like Calculus without Algebra: You will fail without it. Algebra is the basic building block of all higher math. Algebra is everywhere. Solving for those Xs and those Ys don't seem so important your freshman year of high school. But you use it more and more as you get higher in math. You can't do the math without all that Algebra. I think love is the same. You can't live the Christian life without love. It is the basic building block of everything.

Its my cheesy metaphor. But it works for me.