Singes Minges

Ohhh Christian Dating relationships, they are so awkward.

I've decided that I hate the dating process. I think guys and girls should be friends and single until they are ready to marry. None of this petty, stupid, relationship crap that makes all your friends jealous and sad that they don't have one to cling to and cry to and call every night, that keeps you up at night wondering if this is the ONE. I hate the pressure to date, the pressure to BE IN A RELATIONSHIP before you get married.

I don't know how this situation would manifest itself. But in theory, it sounds great to me.

Especially if, like my situation, the guy and girl are going down the abstinent path.

I am sick of dating. I've dated my current boyfriend for almost 3 years (We're taking a break now), and I feel like much of it has been a lot of awkward sexual tension. There has been a lot of great memories, of course, but... the tension is there still. We are both very "bashful" people, as he describes it, and we haven't gone very far (1st base, pretty much). But I'm sure we've thought about it enough. More than enough. I sure have. And it drives me crazy, but in the fantasy it just seems so right.

It makes a friendship near impossible if you want to just be friends for a while post-relationship, because you can never be friends in the normal sense, not after all those emotions you went though together, all the "almost"s and the "we shouldn't do this"s. As much as you love the friendship you have, it can't ever be just a friendship. There will always be the nagging stowaways in the back of your mind, reminding you of what once was.

Christians who value saving sex for marriage are caught in such a strange limbo. This is me. No sex. Until marriage. It kinda sucks, and while I definitely value my virginity, I REALLY want to give it to someone meaningful SOON. And he'd BETTER appreciate it.

Either that, or I'm moving to Virgin Island. No, not the ones named for Queen Elizabeth I. Nope, I'm finding an island and creating a haven for tormented women in sex-less long-term dating relationships with no changes of the last name in sight. We will eat brownies and watch non-romantic comedies and have strobe-light parties. I will hole myself up there, with nothing to remind me of this thing called sex that our United-Statesian culture worships and loves so much.

My boyfriend with whom I am taking a break is definitely meaningful to me. But I want to go through all of college single (as in not married). I decided this a while ago. But I didn't know then what I know now about what happens when you are sexually attracted to someone, someone you are with a lot, someone you are emotionally attached to as well, someone you love. I didn't think I even had that capacity in high school. OH MAN is it difficult. Three years. Three whole years of this sexually tense friendship that I cherish with all my anxiety ridden, emotionally bipolar, soft, squishy, heart. I LOVE HIM BUT I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE TENSION!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh, I hate sex. I'll probably love it when it happens to me (with my consent of course) but for now, I hate it. It tortures me, it wont leave me alone. Its always there, as I walk to school or sit at home or play water polo. Its like smelling hot fudge all the time but never getting to have any, not even a taste, until you get the MRS degree, the contract/diploma, the marriage/class ring, the white dress/black robes, the garter/tassel.

God gave me this drive of the sexual nature. It is intended for good. But it makes my life so hard sometimes, and I haven't even USED it. All its done it make me cramp and bleed and kill off potential children once a month, not to mention the money wasted on chocolate and the inner urge to punch a random passerby in a blaze of fury and immediately apologize for my Aunt Flo's erratic behavior.

This felt good to write. Its not out my system by any means, but I humor-ized it and I feel a bit less psychotic than I did approximately an hour ago. I feel like I can deal.