Confused but waiting

Sometimes I feel like I really should do something, but I don't know where the urge is coming from.

A few years ago, I felt this strong urge to quit my basketball team. I didn't want to quit the team. Well, I did and I didn't, but that's a long story. Anyway, I convinced myself that it was God telling me to quit, and if I didn't, I would die and go to hell that very night, like in the Old Testament. I had a huge panic attack and couldn't sleep for hours. Of course, I finally went to sleep and woke up fine. I never did end up quitting, but I had this guilt following like I was doing something wrong.

Last year, I had another similar urge to quit my water polo team. Same situation: I kinda did and I kinda didn't want to quit. I mulled over it a long time, read the Bible, listened to sermons, and they seemed to confirm that I should quit. So that time I acted on my feelings and quit for a semester, to see what happened. I got some hang out time with my friends, but I ended up missing it so much that I went back to play, somewhat guiltily but happily none-the-less. Now I'm doing amazingly and improving a lot. Nothing amazing happened when I quit. I didn't feel any "good job"s from God or anything. Just some more relaxation time.

Now the new urge is to break up with my boyfriend of a few years. I don't want to. I love him. I would marry him if he asked me to. And the guilt trip my mind is putting me on is that I am idolizing my boyfriend and putting him above God. So my conscience says "So if this really is God, I should break up with him to show him that I do not idolize my boyfriend." Like how Abraham had to sacrifice Isaac to prove his love for God (I know God told him not to go through with it, but he would have if God asked him to). Then my logic says "But how do you know this is actually God speaking to you?" All the while, my heart is crying "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" This puts me into all kinds of moral conundrums and whatever that just make me feel worse after thinking through them, and I wonder if God is trying to test me or if I'm just putting it all on myself.

Sometimes I'm afraid to pray, because these thoughts flood my brain immediately after I say "Dear Lord", either in my head or out loud.

It reminds me, on a lesser level, of the people who are absolutely sure God wanted them to go out and kill that one guy, or that God wanted them to commit genocide, when it was really what was in their own hearts that was the problem. But I can't seem to shake the feelings. Wherever I go they are there (except when I am playing water polo or with my boyfriend).

It confuses me. But writing it out kind of helped me see the patterns, the similarities and differences in the three situations. I figure when the moment comes that I absolutely must decide what to do about my boyfriend, I will know in my heart what to do. I hope.