God's Will?

I'm starting to believe that anytime someone says "God told them they need to do *such and such*", what they are really saying is "I want to do this but I don't have a good reason, or I can't think of a reason, or I don't want to admit the true reason, so I'll say its from God." I speak for myself at least.

This has happened three times in my lifetime to me.

In high school, I was on a club basketball team. One night, I felt sure I heard God telling me I needed to quit the basketball team, or I would die that night in my sleep. I had a huge panic attack, because I had already committed myself to this team and I felt a loyalty to them that I would probably have to die to break. Whether or not this was reasonable is not the point. The point is, something told me I had to do this.

What I didn't say is that I had had a difficult season. I went through a slump. I was the oldest on the team, but too immature and awkward for a position of leadership, and was therefore ridiculed often. I didn't know what I was doing on the team, since I had made up my mind to go to UA far before I admitted it to myself. I had quit swimming. I was doing nothing except play basketball. Secretly, I wanted to quit, to leave the thing that was both giving my life purpose and making it miserable at the same time.

So, from somewhere came this thought, telling me I would die if I did not call my coach that instant and tell him I was quitting.

I never quit, and I never died. I did lose a night's sleep, and (I felt) a bit of my sanity. I don't know what would have happened if I had quit. I guess I never will.

Fast forward two years, and I had joined the UA Water Polo team. It was the beginning of my sophomore year, and I clearly felt "God" telling me to quit water polo, for some unknown reason that he would show me only after I quit. Or at least, that's how I perceived it. So after a few weeks of praying and hearing sermons on doing God's will and responding to that "inner voice" that is the Holy Spirit guiding you, and much less panic, I quit. However, I quit with every intention of going back the next semester if nothing spectacular happened. My coach wasn't happy, but I did it anyway. I made three great friends as a result of my extra time that made that semester enjoyable. Other than that, I had no spiritual epiphanies. Nothing spectacular happened. So, I played a bit that semester, then rejoined the next semester, and have been playing since (I'm now a senior).

What I'm not telling you is that I secretly felt the same feelings I had before burning out from swim team every time I went to water polo practice. The tedium of swim sets, the loneliness of being separated from the girls my age because of my swimming ability, the wish that I could be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.

So, from somewhere came this thought that if I didn't quit the Water Polo team, I wasn't a true Christian because I wasn't following what God was telling me to do. I would be unequally yoked with my boyfriend, who is a very committed Christian. I would become a carnal Christian who was good for nothing to God.

I quit and then went back. I'm still a Christian, even more mature than before. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't quit. I don't know what would have happened if I never went back. I guess I never will.

Fast forward another year. I'm sitting in Challenge on Tuesday Night, and all of a sudden, I clearly hear God telling me to break up with my boyfriend, whom I love very much, for some reason he would show me only after we broke up. I told my boyfriend after, and he reminded me of the above two scenarios, and of my imagination that tends to get carried away. I knew what he was saying, but it didn't get rid of the feeling. A year went by of prayer and listening to sermons telling me to do God's will even if it is hard, and to listen to that "inner voice" that is the Holy Spirit telling me what to do. And I finally did it. I broke up with him for a semester, with the full intention of getting back together with him. This was the third time we've separated in our relationship, but it was the biggest one too. Neither of us liked the situation, but I asked him to just bear with me as I sort this out. He did, understandably grudgingly. I appreciate his patience. We got back together, and our relationship is only stronger than it was.

What I didn't tell you are the feelings I had leading up to that point a year ago. I was worried about the potential of marrying the first guy I had ever dated. I was wondering if there was anything I wanted to do that I could do as a single woman but not as a married woman. I was wondering if he was really the man for me. I was wondering if I was simply staying out of habit with him, or if I really loved him. He didn't deserve for me to just "settle" for him. I was wondering whether I really do care about those two inches I have on him height-wise, or if it was society pressuring me into believing this. I had a lot of insecurities and fears that I was not acknowledging about this relationship.

So from somewhere came this thought that if I didn't break up with him, I was not following God's will, and therefore I would not be equally yoked with him anyway. It was a Catch-22: no matter where I turned, I would lose him, either in spirit or in "reality." He didn't deserve to be with someone who was not committed to God's will. So I finally did it, throwing a spiritual tantrum all the while.

We're back together, and our relationship is more mature than ever before. I'll never know what would have happened if I never broke up with him. I'll never know what would have happened if we never got back together.

What is the meaning of all this? Does God love to torture me out of doing the things I love, out of being with the people I love? Or was he simply trying to show me the things I wouldn't admit to myself? Was he stepping in and making me do what was necessary while I figured out the reasons things were not what I wanted them to be? Was he being the bad guy in my life for a while, something all parents must do from time to time to be good parents?

Or was it all just me using God as a smokescreen to hide my insecurities and fears? Was it all a selfish ploy?

I don't have a good answer. Its still really confusing to me. All I have are the things I have learned about myself, and the maturity that I have gained through the whole experience.

The things I have learned:
1. I am a fearful person.
2. I do many things for more selfish reasons than I'm willing to admit. I do things under a humble guise that I am actually doing for myself.
3. God knows best.
4. I will never understand God.
5. Stretching my perception of God is a good thing, not a bad one.
6. Finding someone to talk to about my insecure feelings is usually better than letting them fester. LET SOMEONE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!!

Regarding 6, I think if I had known this before, I could have spared myself a lot of grief. I should have talked to my basketball coach about the insecurities and feelings of failure. I should have talked to my polo coach about my burnout and asked her what she recommended. I should have talked to Paul about these feelings I'd been having, or at least to someone with good relationship advice.

Surfacing your feelings is a good thing. It leads to clarity of mind, and, in my case, more clarity of God's will.

Most of God's will is in the Bible, especially using Jesus as an example to follow. I feel like most "revelations" like those I have had are simply a symptom of something that is quietly bubbling underneath the surface, that may erupt at any time is it is not taken care of. So perhaps, referring to my above analysis of the cause of my "revelations," all of the situations are true to some extent. Maybe God allowed me to use him as a smokescreen, as a crutch to give me time to analyze myself. Because he knows how I operate, he knows how to get me to think about my actions. So he stepped in and let me use him as a shield. He spoke to me through all those sermons, but he also spoke to me through my own actions. Perhaps this is what he was trying to teach me: that obedience is hard, that I am selfish, and that, most of all, he is willing to act strange to me to get me to learn and do what's right.

I'm probably not getting everything. But its a start.

It's Naaaaatural!

My life is such a peaceful mess right now. Or maybe a stagnant mess. I'm not sure I can differentiate between the two yet. What to do with my life, what to do. I think I wont think about it today and read a book while curled under my Snuggie.

I've been thinking a lot about nature. I don't actually think about it, really. I usually just observe its beauty and its ugliness. I feel like no one talks about how ugly nature can be. Ants devouring a live animal 100 times their size is not pretty, to me.

I was also thinking about how humans fit into nature. I feel like we have made it our mission to cut ourselves off from all of nature. Its like we don't live in it anymore. Most animals make their homes out of what they find in the forest/desert/plain they live in. We have architects and developers build our houses from imported materials and eat things that are kept sanitary by being kept in a sealed wrapper that is disposed of in landfills, never to biodegrade and become part of the earth again, except maybe as an instrument of death.

I think its a marvel how hard humans try to be beautiful. Eagles don't try to be wonderful when they spread their wings to find a fish to snack on. But they are all the same. Forests don't try to be beautiful: they just grow that way. Flowers are clothed by God by growing exactly as they are meant to, with beautiful colors and shapes unique to every flower. Sunrises and sunsets are amazing here in Tucson, but its all in a days work: they're just following the laws of physics, really. But some of us need to make sure we at least have our concealer on to make sure we hide the ugly FLAWS on our faces, make sure our CLOTHES make us look CUTE and STYLISH, make sure our HAIR isn't FLYING EVERYWHERE.

Where do humans fit into this natural cycle? Sometimes I feel like if every human vanished, nature would continue as normal, going through its cycles like a machine. What is the beauty of humanity? I think it is our intellect that sets us apart, our minds that *in theory* care about things other than food, shelter, and the regular mating season that makes the world go 'round. Our intellect, the thing that makes us "in God's image," is what sets us apart.

But human innovation and creativity has done its best to take us away from the thing that birthed us, to become afraid of it, sick from it, both nature and God. I wonder, if we had not fallen, would our natural innovation and creativity have drawn us closer to nature instead, and thereby drawn us closer to God as a result? I can only speculate, but isn't that why we were created? To be close to God and enjoy his creation? Now, to enjoy nature, we must walk on beaten paths made for us, else walk into dangerous and uncharted territory and get lost and die.

I feel like we're synthesizing and sterilizing the things that God created, and it gives me a bad feeling.

It huuuuuurrrrttss!!!

I think the reason I've been feeling so strange lately is that I am experiencing maturity growing pains.

I'm pretty objective about myself, I think. Usually I'm a bit too harsh. So I think I can safely say I am a lot more mature than I was 4 years ago.

I'm feeling really disinterested in Church, my boyfriend, my friends, everything really, but I'm not unhappy. In fact, I'm more content now that I have been in a while. It's a strange paradox to me, and I feel like I should be more worried, but I figure I'm learning something right now that I can't put my finger on, and stressing myself out about it wont do me any good.

I began reading my Bible again a few days ago, and I've realized I'm getting more out of it.

I've been making healthier choices about sleep, and even food (sometimes... I still need to work on this)

I've decided that being drunk is overrated. Buzzed is the happy medium: you're having fun, but not throwing up all over yourself, and not getting a hangover the next morning. Sounds like a plan.

I feel more free to be myself, and to think for myself, than I ever have before. I'm trying to look at everything more objectively lately: my faith, my motives, my work habits, everything really. Its actually very liberating. I used to think that I'd feel better if I just buried my disagreements with people, but I'm finding, gradually, that if you can get out your disagreements in a civil manner, even if the other person isn't being nice, it actually feels better to get it out.

Finding my voice is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm slow, because everyone else has the words to say and they say them right when the words need saying. I like to think before I speak, so it takes me longer. I hate being rushed. I think there is good and bad in this.

In fact, I think there is good and bad in every trait of a human's existence. Its just how the world is. Sometimes, the key to liking and loving someone is looking past the bad and seeing the good in them, and working with that and letting the bad pass every once in a while.

I don't know, I'm blabbing right now many things that've been in my head lately. I don't have anything to tie them up with.

I guess I'm thinking too much lately to have a social life. I feel like a hermit, only feeling like sleeping, eating, and reading, and facebooking, and reading blogs. I go to polo practice because I know I'll like it when I get there, I just never feel like leaving the house. Sometimes I get out though, because I make myself.

But I don't think I'm depressed. Maybe I'm just old. I don't know.

mini rant

I think the teaching community needs to kick its addiction to the thesaurus. Kick it like a soccer ball!!!!

Honestly. What the hell does "contextually embedded practices" even mean? I'm reading all these huge words on an assignment about helping ELLs comprehend lectures and assignments better. I love the irony. Except I don't, because my grade depends on sorting all this crap out and BSing a response. I refuse to use their vocabulary. REFUSE!!!

I'm pretty harsh on myself. But i fel like I deserve it.

Sometimes I wish I would just grow a backbone and say the things I need to say. I also wish I would learn to manage my time properly, and learn how to get off my lazy ass in the morning.

I wish I would learn how to be a legitimate leader at polo. I wish I wouldn't get tongue tied. I wish...

Meh. I'm done with the self loathing.

Because I know I have strengths too.

Just sayin'

Let me just say this: You think with your brain, you feel with your heart. You don't think with your heart. You don't feel with your brain.

I don't know, I just felt like saying that.

thank you.

The Laramie Project, 10 years Later

I just went to it. And I thought it was interesting.

Matthew Shephard is certainly a martyr. He was brutally beaten and killed.

Something that interested me was the reaction of the people closest to Matthew when they heard his death being passed off as something other than it was (a hate crime): a drug deal, a robbery. And understandably so: these misleading claims take the whole focus of his death off of his martyrdom. The mere mention of a fact that contradicted any of the "accepted" story (the canon, if you will) was made to seem as a heresy of sorts.

Yes. I'm comparing their reverence for Shephard to that of Christians for Christ.

And yet, I feel like when people show the same reverence for Jesus, and his cause the Gospel, and strive to keep the truth of his name and history in its place, people mock them. People get so angry at the mere mention of the Bible. When we get angry at a documentary undermining some of the central tenets of our faith, we get angry. They are reducing Jesus to a simple teacher, or a radical, a normal man.

You'd think we'd be angrier. What if we had the same intensity for the integrity a man who gave his life for ours? Perhaps we have become calloused. I speak for myself.

And I suppose this goes both ways. I know there are Christians out there mocking the tragic story of Shephard, trying to mar the story or twist it, trying to lessen the impact his death has had on the GLBTQ community.

Its just a shame. We spend so much time throwing mud at the other side, both sides, that we can't learn from each other.

Looking at his Photographs

I don't know what to do with my feelings right now.

I'm beginning to realize how much I needed this break. This break in our relationship has been a breath of fresh air that I didn't know I needed.

I looked at his pictures, and i didn't feel a rush of regret or pain. I almost felt indifference. And that kinda freaks me out. Its like our relationship never happened. I wasn't even attracted to him.

I'm at a point where I don't want to see him. Ever.

I don't know what to make of this. It hasn't even been a month since we initiated this break, and my feelings are settling. Have i forgotten how I felt when he gave me those roses? Or when we had our moments alone in his apartment or in echo park?

Why am i only remembering the difficult parts, the awkward parts where I didn't know what to say or do, the fights and the tension? There was plenty of good to go with the bad. But all I can remember is the bad. Does the bad outweigh the good in my mind?

Maybe its a result of the feelings I'd had that led up to us splitting for a while. Maybe those feelings of anxiety are tarnishing what was actually there.

Or maybe its revealing what was there, that I was trying to hide from myself.

I don't know. I have a few months so set things right, and a conversation with him after all this to figure out what to do. I think that conversation will decide what we do. for now, I just need to analyze, analyze, analyze and hope we make the right decision.

The Golden Compass

AKA the alethiometer. It tells the truth. Mmhmm.

You can't hate a book you've never read before. So despite the past controversy over His Dark Materials, I plan on reading them. I am in the middle of the first one.

I can see the parallels to Narnia that he makes, with the innocent little girl and the author's clear partiality to this type of child both authors have created as the protagonist. The talking animals, the snow and the woods, some random scenes that seem to allude to scenes in the Chronicles. I remember hearing somewhere that His Dark Materials are an atheist's response to the Chronicles. I don't know if that came from the author himself or an analysis, but I can definitely see it. If/When I read the other two books, I might make a comparison. But I can't now.

I'm in a Mood right now. I think they happen on Saturdays when i get bored and my mind wanders.

I have a love-hate relationship with everything that challenges my beliefs. I hate it when they first come along, challenging the very core of my values, catching me off guard in Patricia-land. I hate it when something makes me think, because i don't always like to. I like to blank out and let whatever will come to me (sometimes I think that's how i treat life in general. But that's a different post). As a result, I've become good, too good, at sitting, standing, teetering, on the fence of two ideals.

Sometimes I wonder if i have any opinions at all. I know I do, but sometimes I feel like I'm too objective about life. There are some things that I have no opinion on that I feel like i really should, especially when it comes to Christian-charged topics like the role of women (in marriage, leadership, life), Creation vs. Evolution, evangelism tactics, hell, Bible reading, what to do with my life, etc. And I don't like to act on anything unless I'm sure of my opinion. So I'm sure to the outsider that i am a ridiculously passive person, and I guess in some ways I am.

Meh.

Singes Minges

Ohhh Christian Dating relationships, they are so awkward.

I've decided that I hate the dating process. I think guys and girls should be friends and single until they are ready to marry. None of this petty, stupid, relationship crap that makes all your friends jealous and sad that they don't have one to cling to and cry to and call every night, that keeps you up at night wondering if this is the ONE. I hate the pressure to date, the pressure to BE IN A RELATIONSHIP before you get married.

I don't know how this situation would manifest itself. But in theory, it sounds great to me.

Especially if, like my situation, the guy and girl are going down the abstinent path.

I am sick of dating. I've dated my current boyfriend for almost 3 years (We're taking a break now), and I feel like much of it has been a lot of awkward sexual tension. There has been a lot of great memories, of course, but... the tension is there still. We are both very "bashful" people, as he describes it, and we haven't gone very far (1st base, pretty much). But I'm sure we've thought about it enough. More than enough. I sure have. And it drives me crazy, but in the fantasy it just seems so right.

It makes a friendship near impossible if you want to just be friends for a while post-relationship, because you can never be friends in the normal sense, not after all those emotions you went though together, all the "almost"s and the "we shouldn't do this"s. As much as you love the friendship you have, it can't ever be just a friendship. There will always be the nagging stowaways in the back of your mind, reminding you of what once was.

Christians who value saving sex for marriage are caught in such a strange limbo. This is me. No sex. Until marriage. It kinda sucks, and while I definitely value my virginity, I REALLY want to give it to someone meaningful SOON. And he'd BETTER appreciate it.

Either that, or I'm moving to Virgin Island. No, not the ones named for Queen Elizabeth I. Nope, I'm finding an island and creating a haven for tormented women in sex-less long-term dating relationships with no changes of the last name in sight. We will eat brownies and watch non-romantic comedies and have strobe-light parties. I will hole myself up there, with nothing to remind me of this thing called sex that our United-Statesian culture worships and loves so much.

My boyfriend with whom I am taking a break is definitely meaningful to me. But I want to go through all of college single (as in not married). I decided this a while ago. But I didn't know then what I know now about what happens when you are sexually attracted to someone, someone you are with a lot, someone you are emotionally attached to as well, someone you love. I didn't think I even had that capacity in high school. OH MAN is it difficult. Three years. Three whole years of this sexually tense friendship that I cherish with all my anxiety ridden, emotionally bipolar, soft, squishy, heart. I LOVE HIM BUT I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE TENSION!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh, I hate sex. I'll probably love it when it happens to me (with my consent of course) but for now, I hate it. It tortures me, it wont leave me alone. Its always there, as I walk to school or sit at home or play water polo. Its like smelling hot fudge all the time but never getting to have any, not even a taste, until you get the MRS degree, the contract/diploma, the marriage/class ring, the white dress/black robes, the garter/tassel.

God gave me this drive of the sexual nature. It is intended for good. But it makes my life so hard sometimes, and I haven't even USED it. All its done it make me cramp and bleed and kill off potential children once a month, not to mention the money wasted on chocolate and the inner urge to punch a random passerby in a blaze of fury and immediately apologize for my Aunt Flo's erratic behavior.

This felt good to write. Its not out my system by any means, but I humor-ized it and I feel a bit less psychotic than I did approximately an hour ago. I feel like I can deal.

Its a simple concept

Today, my prayer was simple: "Dear Lord, thank you for giving me that spiritual punch in the face that made everything so clear."

I've been really bogged down lately about "God's will for my life" and "What God thinks I should do" about this and that. And I've decided that thinking this way is a chasing after the wind. Yes.

"The mature Christian is more concerned with serving God today than finding God's will for tomorrow." (thechristianwoman.com... don't know the author's name)

*punch* ow.

This punch is two-fold. First, it pretty much tells me up front what an immature loser I am for wasting my thoughts and prayers on things that shouldn't be taking me away from my quiet times. Second, it sheds a terrible light on my (lack of a) "spirits heart" when it comes to God. Serving him in the simple things like reading my Bible, praying, serving others. Simple worship that I haven't been doing because my mind has been "out to lunch."

So stupid. I hate the thought of all that wasted time and emotion.

So tomorrow, I will change things. I will start my day with a quiet time. A quiet time doesn't need to be anything special, just a conversation in the morning with Someone Special. I think, if nothing else changes in my habits, this habit will probably make a big difference, more than changing most. And I used to resist the idea of having a quiet time in the morning, because I can't really see or think in the morning until I've been up a while. Excuses excuses! I will find a way to wake up. Take that, morning grogginess! I am coming after you!

I think, this way, the prospect of God's Will will not be so scary when the time comes for me to face it. Because then, once I am in the habit of serving God in the little things, taking a bigger step forward will be the natural thing to do, habitual.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Rejection

I'm terrified of it.

I'm only friends, I'm starting to realize, with people that are easy to be friends with. Generally people who aren't sarcastic, who don't shoot me down, who like me. And I'm also realizing that it doesn't match up going the other way. This is not how it should be. But its the easiest way to live: the age old path of least resistance.

Being kind and friendly to people who don't reciprocate these. Being an open book to everyone (within reason). Being myself around everyone, not hiding behind my phlegmatic front that I give people who I think will dislike me. This is what I want to do.

It goes the same when it comes to being a light for Christ. I only am when it is easy. When it gets hard, I just stop. Its dumb. But I guess its normal.

Actually, it goes for everything. In school if it gets hard, I stop trying. With relationships, when it gets hard, I stop trying. With Bible studies, when it gets hard, I stop trying. Arg.

Lazy lazy lazy. And I know I'm not the only person like this. Its a deceptively vicious cycle that is easy to get caught in.

*POP*

Another bubble of mine has been popped, in a way that makes me feel a little bit more out of the loop of life.

Of course its about sex. Sometimes I feel like everyone has had it except me. Even here in this Christian Bubble I'm working at I feel that way. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it makes me feel like I developed wrong or something.

The bubble was about how many Christians have actually *done it* that are my age (21) and never married (a lot. Great stats, I know). I should have figured, of course, but I think I left the bubble there in its place to make me feel like less of a prude. Now its gone, dangit, and I have to sit here and try to figure out why I'm a prude, why guys scare me, and what I can learn from it.

I'm a virgin, not out of my own ambition to be one, but just because of who I am. I completely close myself off to guys who try to get too close. The reason I'm with my boyfriend is that he kept knocking, even making me feel awkward at times with all his obnoxious knocking, until I finally just opened up to him. I wonder if, given the opportunity, or temptation, if you will, if I would have given in. I suppose I'll never know.

Blargh

I like books for the adventure of reading, for the stories they tell, not for advice or wisdom.

I hate reading books to change my life. I prefer learning by experience. And while I know from other people that this is the hardest and most dangerous way to learn stuff, I learn it best by screwing up a couple times before getting it right. I've been lucky enough to figure a few things out before they got too far, but who knows what will happen next?

I feel a little detatched right now. I think its just my mood of the day. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel like life is amazing! and be happy.

Blah.

Jesus Wept

Sometimes God's Word makes my heart feel so heavy.

This week's study was about Lazarus dying, and being raised from the dead by Jesus. But the point wasn't his amazing power to do miracles for us (although that is pretty cool). The point was that he didn't fix the problem before it happened. The point was that Jesus allowed so many people to go through so much pain before he decided to do anything about the situation. He waited, because he knew that this was the best way to bring glory to where it needed to go: to God Himself.

Jesus' top priority isn't us. Its not our feelings. Its not our wants or needs. He values them, certainly, but it is God's will and God's Glory that are most important to him. The reason he came to Earth wasn't ultimately for us. It was for God.

A friend was talking about the song "Above All" on a hike here at Glorieta, and how one line in that song really turns the meaning around if you look at it a certain way. "You took the fall... and thought of me... above all." She was saying that if you look at it as a human singing, then the song is false, but if you look at it as God singing, the song is true. He thought of God above all, not me.

That being said, another point is brought up. One thing that really confused me aboutthis passage was that Jesus wept. I always wondered how he could cry, when he knew that he was about to make all things right again. He knew it would be a happy ending!

But the ending isn't why he is crying. God designed the world to be perfect. But since it isn't, pain and suffering abound on Earth. Jesus wept because of the pain that his people had to go through to see God's glory. He wept because he was angry, because it didn't have to be this way. The pain we feel is also felt by Jesus, by God. He weeps when we weep. Its pretty incredible. Its difficult to wrap my head around.

I feel like there are a lot of loose ends I want to tie up in this. But my brain hurts. I need to talk about it more.

Glorieta post 2

I'm finally feeling settled in.

Its all so routine now. work, hang out, watch tv, hike, read, sleep, play a random sport, in some order. Every day. And I like it. I think its refreshing. Its a nice little Christian bubble, a nice break away from the stress of college.

God is very patient with me as I slowly understand the things he is trying to get me to understand.

1. I feel like I came here with a sense of superiority, like I had finally unsheltered myself almost completely, and therefore I knew better about everything than most others here. Ironic, huh? Now that I know about all the ridiculous bad stuff in the world, I know all about being a good person. Bad attitude. Very bad. When I read Nehemiah's prayer to God in the first chapter, I was humbled by his humble attitude, despite his leadership position. I guess the best leaders are the most humble. Probably why I've never been a good one.

Gotta say, though, its a common thing for people to equate unsheltered with uncool. I'm not alone in that. But I've decided that the people who think that usually make lame "That's what she said" jokes ;)

2. Marriage is a serious matter. Its a lifetime commitment. A covenant, if you will. Its starting to scare me, but God keeps assuring me that he knows what he's doing, and that however things turn out, it will be for the best, for both of us. I'm glad to be away from the whole situation to clear my head in the thin air of the mountains.

3. I might want to lead a Bible study again. I think my heart is in the right place so that I can now successfully lead one. I didn't like it before, because I felt like I had to do all this stuff and know everything. I felt like the people I led with or was in a Bible study with knew a lot more than I did. I think now it just takes a little prayer and a little dedication, and humility.

I think this summer I'm learning about humility and waiting on the Lord to take care of me. I think those are the big things.

One frustration: We have this quote board, for the funny stuff people say. Yeah. Its become the "Who can make the most awkward sex comment" board. Gosh. Like 75% of the board is a sexual innuendo, intentional or not. I'm ok with sex jokes, but make them good, seriously. And I'm sick of all the homo-erotic humor with the guys. Its so gross. They're not gay. They should not act like that. Its not funny. Fail.

K. Done. No more complaints. Life is pretty good up here. I initially thought I was in the wrong place, but I'm definitely seeing things differently now. I'm starting to think God can use you anywhere, even in the opposite place you wanted to be, that you thought you would be happiest or best equipped at. Gosh.

Glorieta Post 1

Here I am, a big summer camp dining hall lunch-lady/dish-washer extroardinaire. And now, here comes the flow of questions! I'm sure they'll be answered in due time, but until then, I'll mull them over in the back of my mind.

1. Does God command you not to marry someone? If He does, then how? I always hear about people saying that "God told me not to marry this person because of *this and that*." I know this is often used as an excuse to break up with someone in a holy-sounding way, but sometimes people were so much better off without the person, even if they loved them. I find this odd and counter-intuitive. I guess, in a roundabout way, I'm asking myself and God if I'll be married to my boyfriend by next summer or not. (I'm sure it has nothing to do witht he two back to back weddings I just attended... ;) ) I want to be sure, but being sure is driving us both crazy. Blarg.

sidenote: I've decided that the Fear of Commitment is the lamest excuse ever. Who ISN'T afraid of diving into something wholeheartedly and having to put time and effort into something? Srsly. Whenever I'm afraid to commit to something, its because I'm just too lazy to do it, or I have (or think I have) good reasons for not doing it or stalling it. Ultimately, it isn't fear of commitment. *steps off soap box*

2. Called vs. Chosen. I heard an interesting talk this first week about being "driven" vs being "called." I have a lot of insecurity around people who say they have "found their calling" in missions or teaching or whatever, while I'm sitting here wondering what to do with my life. I don't know how much waiting I should do or how much "doing" I should do. For now, I'm just following my heart and doing what I want to do and/or feel I should do, and seeing what happens.

I wonder right now if even coming here was an attempt at being "driven," or as a cover up for running away (figuratively) again, or a little bit of both. I felt like God wanted me here, but I wonder if my insistence on going made me ignore Him?

*brain hurts*

3. Spiritual gifts. Does Paul mention ALL of them in the Bible, or can a certain person have one that is particular to that person (like the Spiritual Gift of Video Game Pwnage)? Are Paul's just general gifts such that every Christian should have at least one? If someone can reach Christ though video games, does that make it a gift, or a calling, or ? And we should strive to obtain the higher gifts, I read. Is a gift like a talent, similar to music or sports, such that no matter what level of natural ability the person has, they can always improve in it with practice? Is a "worldly" gift lesser than a spiritual gift? Or are they the same in the sense that God gives them to us?

I think I need a vocab lesson in Christian-ese. I'm getting all my terms mixed up. Maybe not going to church for 2 months is whittling down my skillz.

Maybe I should drop Christian-ese since I'm failing it.

Oh, one more thing. I keep finding all of these "hints" on how Christianity should be:
-How much you love God is reflected in how much you love His Word
-A woman should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him to find her
-lots of stuff about how being passionate is good (I don't remember the wording, this is jsut the impression I got)

I think people should be careful when writing these things. They all have an element of truth, to be sure, and it is good to have encouraging words. But the first one implies that the person who reads the Bible more loves God more. That kinda bothers me. It toes the line of legalism. (I do think reading the Bible is good) The second one sounds great, but it also bothers me. I'm not "lost" in God. I'm lost here on Earth, and God is the light I'm trying to follow out of this mess. Maybe I'm just weird. And all the passionate stuff just makes me feel inadequate and awkward. I don't always wake up with a smile on my face, proclaiming "I LOVE GOD!!!!" to the world with flower petals streaming out of my hair after my nature walk with Jesus (I figure heaven might be like that, maybe minus the petals). Sometimes my passion tank is completely dry, and I'm running on the fumes of the few Bible verses I have memorized. I guess I suck at life on these days, hmm?

Its not that I hate encouraging words. Sometimes, though, the most encouraging thing for me is for someone to tell me they are going through the same thing and this is how they are dealing with it. I don't like how impersonal the notes are.

I'm hunting for something real in all of this, and I know it is here. The prayer garden is awesome. I hope to learn a lot. This is kinda my *BLARGH* post right now.

The Unlikely Disciple

I'm so excited to read this book. Its exactly the perspective I've been wanting: an honest-to-goodness look at Conservative Christian Culture from the perspective of a liberal agnostic college kid point of view. I read the first chapter 5 minutes ago and am already excited. Maybe I wont be sleeping tonight (bad idea, but finals are over! and I'm in the best mood ever). half.com and Arizona Daily Star, you made this literary adventure possible by providing me knowledge of and affordable access to this book. Thank You, and Good Night.

Grrr

Sometimes, I just want to scream at someone, but I don't have the words. So instead, I just am silent, so I don't yell incoherently.

I always hear it said to not pen up your anger. Often, the first step is putting words to your feelings before you can do this properly. As I am slow with words, I don't get this chance often. And I'm never sure how long after the anger-inducing incident would still be an acceptable time to release the feelings. And so they sit.

Fail. Epic fail. I really want school to be done now so I can stop being emo, and stop hating myself for being a bad student.

Advice

I am pretty terrible at giving advice. I usually have to think and overthink an issue before I get a good idea of how things should go, and usually by then the problem is over. I don't have a lot of life experience. I go by what I observe and what I hear and what I feel, all of which I know can be misleading.

So what do I trust if I can't trust my own understanding?

I suppose I should "Trust in the LORD with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding," but that is ridiculously hard. I don't think it is emphasized enough how hard it really is to believe in Christianity. I don't know how many times I have sat back and looked at how crazy my beliefs truly are. A man in ancient Israel who is actually God incarnate lives, preaches amazing things, and is crucified. Then, he comes back to life, conquering death and saving us all from ourselves (if we so choose)! He moves in all of us through the Holy Spirit, which changes our outlook on the world from our heart outward.

Incredible, no? I completely understand why people think we are weird! Sometimes we've been around this message so long, we compare it to the simplicity of 2+2=4 (which, if you take math philosophy, may not be so simple. But we wont talk about that. You're welcome.), and when people don't get it we get frustrated with them. What if someone asked you to take a red pill and allow some other spirit being to come in and change your life? Would you do it?

Another thing that often strikes me is how late in Christs life his ministry began: 30 years old. I feel like I am so often pressured to "use my college years for the glory of God! Go Go Go on missions! Its the best time ever to do so!" And I suppose it is the best time physically, but I feel like I'm cramming for some sort of test (I feel the same way about our education system, but I wont talk about that either. You're welcome again.). Why did Jesus wait until he was 30? To gain enough life experience to have a good ministry and an accurate assessment of the human condition? To grow out of adolescence and not have hormones racing through his body all the time? In essence, to become mature? Was Christ always mature? Did he cry as a baby? I'm only speculating, but it gives me something to wonder about, and encourages me in the fact that I don't have to have something spectacular happening in my life yet to be considered a Good Child of God.

In case you couldn't tell from my other posts, I am very insecure about myself and my future and my place in life. I suppose its the college condition.

So back to my point, I am still unsure of my ability as of now to give advice. If someone asks me what to do, and I don't have an answer, I kinda feel like a jerk or a bad friend or something. I want to help, but advice is not my strongest suit. I feel ridiculously immature. If I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how should I know what someone else is supposed to do?

I've been learning to pray whenever I am confused about something like this. Writing helps too, though. It organizes my jumbled, scattered thought process and puts it in plain, simple English. And even though I am still confused, I am now confused with a clear mind.