It huuuuuurrrrttss!!!

I think the reason I've been feeling so strange lately is that I am experiencing maturity growing pains.

I'm pretty objective about myself, I think. Usually I'm a bit too harsh. So I think I can safely say I am a lot more mature than I was 4 years ago.

I'm feeling really disinterested in Church, my boyfriend, my friends, everything really, but I'm not unhappy. In fact, I'm more content now that I have been in a while. It's a strange paradox to me, and I feel like I should be more worried, but I figure I'm learning something right now that I can't put my finger on, and stressing myself out about it wont do me any good.

I began reading my Bible again a few days ago, and I've realized I'm getting more out of it.

I've been making healthier choices about sleep, and even food (sometimes... I still need to work on this)

I've decided that being drunk is overrated. Buzzed is the happy medium: you're having fun, but not throwing up all over yourself, and not getting a hangover the next morning. Sounds like a plan.

I feel more free to be myself, and to think for myself, than I ever have before. I'm trying to look at everything more objectively lately: my faith, my motives, my work habits, everything really. Its actually very liberating. I used to think that I'd feel better if I just buried my disagreements with people, but I'm finding, gradually, that if you can get out your disagreements in a civil manner, even if the other person isn't being nice, it actually feels better to get it out.

Finding my voice is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm slow, because everyone else has the words to say and they say them right when the words need saying. I like to think before I speak, so it takes me longer. I hate being rushed. I think there is good and bad in this.

In fact, I think there is good and bad in every trait of a human's existence. Its just how the world is. Sometimes, the key to liking and loving someone is looking past the bad and seeing the good in them, and working with that and letting the bad pass every once in a while.

I don't know, I'm blabbing right now many things that've been in my head lately. I don't have anything to tie them up with.

I guess I'm thinking too much lately to have a social life. I feel like a hermit, only feeling like sleeping, eating, and reading, and facebooking, and reading blogs. I go to polo practice because I know I'll like it when I get there, I just never feel like leaving the house. Sometimes I get out though, because I make myself.

But I don't think I'm depressed. Maybe I'm just old. I don't know.