I don't know what to do with my feelings right now.
I'm beginning to realize how much I needed this break. This break in our relationship has been a breath of fresh air that I didn't know I needed.
I looked at his pictures, and i didn't feel a rush of regret or pain. I almost felt indifference. And that kinda freaks me out. Its like our relationship never happened. I wasn't even attracted to him.
I'm at a point where I don't want to see him. Ever.
I don't know what to make of this. It hasn't even been a month since we initiated this break, and my feelings are settling. Have i forgotten how I felt when he gave me those roses? Or when we had our moments alone in his apartment or in echo park?
Why am i only remembering the difficult parts, the awkward parts where I didn't know what to say or do, the fights and the tension? There was plenty of good to go with the bad. But all I can remember is the bad. Does the bad outweigh the good in my mind?
Maybe its a result of the feelings I'd had that led up to us splitting for a while. Maybe those feelings of anxiety are tarnishing what was actually there.
Or maybe its revealing what was there, that I was trying to hide from myself.
I don't know. I have a few months so set things right, and a conversation with him after all this to figure out what to do. I think that conversation will decide what we do. for now, I just need to analyze, analyze, analyze and hope we make the right decision.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
The Golden Compass
AKA the alethiometer. It tells the truth. Mmhmm.
You can't hate a book you've never read before. So despite the past controversy over His Dark Materials, I plan on reading them. I am in the middle of the first one.
I can see the parallels to Narnia that he makes, with the innocent little girl and the author's clear partiality to this type of child both authors have created as the protagonist. The talking animals, the snow and the woods, some random scenes that seem to allude to scenes in the Chronicles. I remember hearing somewhere that His Dark Materials are an atheist's response to the Chronicles. I don't know if that came from the author himself or an analysis, but I can definitely see it. If/When I read the other two books, I might make a comparison. But I can't now.
I'm in a Mood right now. I think they happen on Saturdays when i get bored and my mind wanders.
I have a love-hate relationship with everything that challenges my beliefs. I hate it when they first come along, challenging the very core of my values, catching me off guard in Patricia-land. I hate it when something makes me think, because i don't always like to. I like to blank out and let whatever will come to me (sometimes I think that's how i treat life in general. But that's a different post). As a result, I've become good, too good, at sitting, standing, teetering, on the fence of two ideals.
Sometimes I wonder if i have any opinions at all. I know I do, but sometimes I feel like I'm too objective about life. There are some things that I have no opinion on that I feel like i really should, especially when it comes to Christian-charged topics like the role of women (in marriage, leadership, life), Creation vs. Evolution, evangelism tactics, hell, Bible reading, what to do with my life, etc. And I don't like to act on anything unless I'm sure of my opinion. So I'm sure to the outsider that i am a ridiculously passive person, and I guess in some ways I am.
Meh.
You can't hate a book you've never read before. So despite the past controversy over His Dark Materials, I plan on reading them. I am in the middle of the first one.
I can see the parallels to Narnia that he makes, with the innocent little girl and the author's clear partiality to this type of child both authors have created as the protagonist. The talking animals, the snow and the woods, some random scenes that seem to allude to scenes in the Chronicles. I remember hearing somewhere that His Dark Materials are an atheist's response to the Chronicles. I don't know if that came from the author himself or an analysis, but I can definitely see it. If/When I read the other two books, I might make a comparison. But I can't now.
I'm in a Mood right now. I think they happen on Saturdays when i get bored and my mind wanders.
I have a love-hate relationship with everything that challenges my beliefs. I hate it when they first come along, challenging the very core of my values, catching me off guard in Patricia-land. I hate it when something makes me think, because i don't always like to. I like to blank out and let whatever will come to me (sometimes I think that's how i treat life in general. But that's a different post). As a result, I've become good, too good, at sitting, standing, teetering, on the fence of two ideals.
Sometimes I wonder if i have any opinions at all. I know I do, but sometimes I feel like I'm too objective about life. There are some things that I have no opinion on that I feel like i really should, especially when it comes to Christian-charged topics like the role of women (in marriage, leadership, life), Creation vs. Evolution, evangelism tactics, hell, Bible reading, what to do with my life, etc. And I don't like to act on anything unless I'm sure of my opinion. So I'm sure to the outsider that i am a ridiculously passive person, and I guess in some ways I am.
Meh.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Singes Minges
Ohhh Christian Dating relationships, they are so awkward.
I've decided that I hate the dating process. I think guys and girls should be friends and single until they are ready to marry. None of this petty, stupid, relationship crap that makes all your friends jealous and sad that they don't have one to cling to and cry to and call every night, that keeps you up at night wondering if this is the ONE. I hate the pressure to date, the pressure to BE IN A RELATIONSHIP before you get married.
I don't know how this situation would manifest itself. But in theory, it sounds great to me.
Especially if, like my situation, the guy and girl are going down the abstinent path.
I am sick of dating. I've dated my current boyfriend for almost 3 years (We're taking a break now), and I feel like much of it has been a lot of awkward sexual tension. There has been a lot of great memories, of course, but... the tension is there still. We are both very "bashful" people, as he describes it, and we haven't gone very far (1st base, pretty much). But I'm sure we've thought about it enough. More than enough. I sure have. And it drives me crazy, but in the fantasy it just seems so right.
It makes a friendship near impossible if you want to just be friends for a while post-relationship, because you can never be friends in the normal sense, not after all those emotions you went though together, all the "almost"s and the "we shouldn't do this"s. As much as you love the friendship you have, it can't ever be just a friendship. There will always be the nagging stowaways in the back of your mind, reminding you of what once was.
Christians who value saving sex for marriage are caught in such a strange limbo. This is me. No sex. Until marriage. It kinda sucks, and while I definitely value my virginity, I REALLY want to give it to someone meaningful SOON. And he'd BETTER appreciate it.
Either that, or I'm moving to Virgin Island. No, not the ones named for Queen Elizabeth I. Nope, I'm finding an island and creating a haven for tormented women in sex-less long-term dating relationships with no changes of the last name in sight. We will eat brownies and watch non-romantic comedies and have strobe-light parties. I will hole myself up there, with nothing to remind me of this thing called sex that our United-Statesian culture worships and loves so much.
My boyfriend with whom I am taking a break is definitely meaningful to me. But I want to go through all of college single (as in not married). I decided this a while ago. But I didn't know then what I know now about what happens when you are sexually attracted to someone, someone you are with a lot, someone you are emotionally attached to as well, someone you love. I didn't think I even had that capacity in high school. OH MAN is it difficult. Three years. Three whole years of this sexually tense friendship that I cherish with all my anxiety ridden, emotionally bipolar, soft, squishy, heart. I LOVE HIM BUT I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE TENSION!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh, I hate sex. I'll probably love it when it happens to me (with my consent of course) but for now, I hate it. It tortures me, it wont leave me alone. Its always there, as I walk to school or sit at home or play water polo. Its like smelling hot fudge all the time but never getting to have any, not even a taste, until you get the MRS degree, the contract/diploma, the marriage/class ring, the white dress/black robes, the garter/tassel.
God gave me this drive of the sexual nature. It is intended for good. But it makes my life so hard sometimes, and I haven't even USED it. All its done it make me cramp and bleed and kill off potential children once a month, not to mention the money wasted on chocolate and the inner urge to punch a random passerby in a blaze of fury and immediately apologize for my Aunt Flo's erratic behavior.
This felt good to write. Its not out my system by any means, but I humor-ized it and I feel a bit less psychotic than I did approximately an hour ago. I feel like I can deal.
I've decided that I hate the dating process. I think guys and girls should be friends and single until they are ready to marry. None of this petty, stupid, relationship crap that makes all your friends jealous and sad that they don't have one to cling to and cry to and call every night, that keeps you up at night wondering if this is the ONE. I hate the pressure to date, the pressure to BE IN A RELATIONSHIP before you get married.
I don't know how this situation would manifest itself. But in theory, it sounds great to me.
Especially if, like my situation, the guy and girl are going down the abstinent path.
I am sick of dating. I've dated my current boyfriend for almost 3 years (We're taking a break now), and I feel like much of it has been a lot of awkward sexual tension. There has been a lot of great memories, of course, but... the tension is there still. We are both very "bashful" people, as he describes it, and we haven't gone very far (1st base, pretty much). But I'm sure we've thought about it enough. More than enough. I sure have. And it drives me crazy, but in the fantasy it just seems so right.
It makes a friendship near impossible if you want to just be friends for a while post-relationship, because you can never be friends in the normal sense, not after all those emotions you went though together, all the "almost"s and the "we shouldn't do this"s. As much as you love the friendship you have, it can't ever be just a friendship. There will always be the nagging stowaways in the back of your mind, reminding you of what once was.
Christians who value saving sex for marriage are caught in such a strange limbo. This is me. No sex. Until marriage. It kinda sucks, and while I definitely value my virginity, I REALLY want to give it to someone meaningful SOON. And he'd BETTER appreciate it.
Either that, or I'm moving to Virgin Island. No, not the ones named for Queen Elizabeth I. Nope, I'm finding an island and creating a haven for tormented women in sex-less long-term dating relationships with no changes of the last name in sight. We will eat brownies and watch non-romantic comedies and have strobe-light parties. I will hole myself up there, with nothing to remind me of this thing called sex that our United-Statesian culture worships and loves so much.
My boyfriend with whom I am taking a break is definitely meaningful to me. But I want to go through all of college single (as in not married). I decided this a while ago. But I didn't know then what I know now about what happens when you are sexually attracted to someone, someone you are with a lot, someone you are emotionally attached to as well, someone you love. I didn't think I even had that capacity in high school. OH MAN is it difficult. Three years. Three whole years of this sexually tense friendship that I cherish with all my anxiety ridden, emotionally bipolar, soft, squishy, heart. I LOVE HIM BUT I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE TENSION!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh, I hate sex. I'll probably love it when it happens to me (with my consent of course) but for now, I hate it. It tortures me, it wont leave me alone. Its always there, as I walk to school or sit at home or play water polo. Its like smelling hot fudge all the time but never getting to have any, not even a taste, until you get the MRS degree, the contract/diploma, the marriage/class ring, the white dress/black robes, the garter/tassel.
God gave me this drive of the sexual nature. It is intended for good. But it makes my life so hard sometimes, and I haven't even USED it. All its done it make me cramp and bleed and kill off potential children once a month, not to mention the money wasted on chocolate and the inner urge to punch a random passerby in a blaze of fury and immediately apologize for my Aunt Flo's erratic behavior.
This felt good to write. Its not out my system by any means, but I humor-ized it and I feel a bit less psychotic than I did approximately an hour ago. I feel like I can deal.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Its a simple concept
Today, my prayer was simple: "Dear Lord, thank you for giving me that spiritual punch in the face that made everything so clear."
I've been really bogged down lately about "God's will for my life" and "What God thinks I should do" about this and that. And I've decided that thinking this way is a chasing after the wind. Yes.
"The mature Christian is more concerned with serving God today than finding God's will for tomorrow." (thechristianwoman.com... don't know the author's name)
*punch* ow.
This punch is two-fold. First, it pretty much tells me up front what an immature loser I am for wasting my thoughts and prayers on things that shouldn't be taking me away from my quiet times. Second, it sheds a terrible light on my (lack of a) "spirits heart" when it comes to God. Serving him in the simple things like reading my Bible, praying, serving others. Simple worship that I haven't been doing because my mind has been "out to lunch."
So stupid. I hate the thought of all that wasted time and emotion.
So tomorrow, I will change things. I will start my day with a quiet time. A quiet time doesn't need to be anything special, just a conversation in the morning with Someone Special. I think, if nothing else changes in my habits, this habit will probably make a big difference, more than changing most. And I used to resist the idea of having a quiet time in the morning, because I can't really see or think in the morning until I've been up a while. Excuses excuses! I will find a way to wake up. Take that, morning grogginess! I am coming after you!
I think, this way, the prospect of God's Will will not be so scary when the time comes for me to face it. Because then, once I am in the habit of serving God in the little things, taking a bigger step forward will be the natural thing to do, habitual.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
I've been really bogged down lately about "God's will for my life" and "What God thinks I should do" about this and that. And I've decided that thinking this way is a chasing after the wind. Yes.
"The mature Christian is more concerned with serving God today than finding God's will for tomorrow." (thechristianwoman.com... don't know the author's name)
*punch* ow.
This punch is two-fold. First, it pretty much tells me up front what an immature loser I am for wasting my thoughts and prayers on things that shouldn't be taking me away from my quiet times. Second, it sheds a terrible light on my (lack of a) "spirits heart" when it comes to God. Serving him in the simple things like reading my Bible, praying, serving others. Simple worship that I haven't been doing because my mind has been "out to lunch."
So stupid. I hate the thought of all that wasted time and emotion.
So tomorrow, I will change things. I will start my day with a quiet time. A quiet time doesn't need to be anything special, just a conversation in the morning with Someone Special. I think, if nothing else changes in my habits, this habit will probably make a big difference, more than changing most. And I used to resist the idea of having a quiet time in the morning, because I can't really see or think in the morning until I've been up a while. Excuses excuses! I will find a way to wake up. Take that, morning grogginess! I am coming after you!
I think, this way, the prospect of God's Will will not be so scary when the time comes for me to face it. Because then, once I am in the habit of serving God in the little things, taking a bigger step forward will be the natural thing to do, habitual.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Rejection
I'm terrified of it.
I'm only friends, I'm starting to realize, with people that are easy to be friends with. Generally people who aren't sarcastic, who don't shoot me down, who like me. And I'm also realizing that it doesn't match up going the other way. This is not how it should be. But its the easiest way to live: the age old path of least resistance.
Being kind and friendly to people who don't reciprocate these. Being an open book to everyone (within reason). Being myself around everyone, not hiding behind my phlegmatic front that I give people who I think will dislike me. This is what I want to do.
It goes the same when it comes to being a light for Christ. I only am when it is easy. When it gets hard, I just stop. Its dumb. But I guess its normal.
Actually, it goes for everything. In school if it gets hard, I stop trying. With relationships, when it gets hard, I stop trying. With Bible studies, when it gets hard, I stop trying. Arg.
Lazy lazy lazy. And I know I'm not the only person like this. Its a deceptively vicious cycle that is easy to get caught in.
I'm only friends, I'm starting to realize, with people that are easy to be friends with. Generally people who aren't sarcastic, who don't shoot me down, who like me. And I'm also realizing that it doesn't match up going the other way. This is not how it should be. But its the easiest way to live: the age old path of least resistance.
Being kind and friendly to people who don't reciprocate these. Being an open book to everyone (within reason). Being myself around everyone, not hiding behind my phlegmatic front that I give people who I think will dislike me. This is what I want to do.
It goes the same when it comes to being a light for Christ. I only am when it is easy. When it gets hard, I just stop. Its dumb. But I guess its normal.
Actually, it goes for everything. In school if it gets hard, I stop trying. With relationships, when it gets hard, I stop trying. With Bible studies, when it gets hard, I stop trying. Arg.
Lazy lazy lazy. And I know I'm not the only person like this. Its a deceptively vicious cycle that is easy to get caught in.
Friday, August 7, 2009
*POP*
Another bubble of mine has been popped, in a way that makes me feel a little bit more out of the loop of life.
Of course its about sex. Sometimes I feel like everyone has had it except me. Even here in this Christian Bubble I'm working at I feel that way. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it makes me feel like I developed wrong or something.
The bubble was about how many Christians have actually *done it* that are my age (21) and never married (a lot. Great stats, I know). I should have figured, of course, but I think I left the bubble there in its place to make me feel like less of a prude. Now its gone, dangit, and I have to sit here and try to figure out why I'm a prude, why guys scare me, and what I can learn from it.
I'm a virgin, not out of my own ambition to be one, but just because of who I am. I completely close myself off to guys who try to get too close. The reason I'm with my boyfriend is that he kept knocking, even making me feel awkward at times with all his obnoxious knocking, until I finally just opened up to him. I wonder if, given the opportunity, or temptation, if you will, if I would have given in. I suppose I'll never know.
Of course its about sex. Sometimes I feel like everyone has had it except me. Even here in this Christian Bubble I'm working at I feel that way. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it makes me feel like I developed wrong or something.
The bubble was about how many Christians have actually *done it* that are my age (21) and never married (a lot. Great stats, I know). I should have figured, of course, but I think I left the bubble there in its place to make me feel like less of a prude. Now its gone, dangit, and I have to sit here and try to figure out why I'm a prude, why guys scare me, and what I can learn from it.
I'm a virgin, not out of my own ambition to be one, but just because of who I am. I completely close myself off to guys who try to get too close. The reason I'm with my boyfriend is that he kept knocking, even making me feel awkward at times with all his obnoxious knocking, until I finally just opened up to him. I wonder if, given the opportunity, or temptation, if you will, if I would have given in. I suppose I'll never know.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Blargh
I like books for the adventure of reading, for the stories they tell, not for advice or wisdom.
I hate reading books to change my life. I prefer learning by experience. And while I know from other people that this is the hardest and most dangerous way to learn stuff, I learn it best by screwing up a couple times before getting it right. I've been lucky enough to figure a few things out before they got too far, but who knows what will happen next?
I feel a little detatched right now. I think its just my mood of the day. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel like life is amazing! and be happy.
Blah.
I hate reading books to change my life. I prefer learning by experience. And while I know from other people that this is the hardest and most dangerous way to learn stuff, I learn it best by screwing up a couple times before getting it right. I've been lucky enough to figure a few things out before they got too far, but who knows what will happen next?
I feel a little detatched right now. I think its just my mood of the day. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel like life is amazing! and be happy.
Blah.
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