The Laramie Project, 10 years Later

I just went to it. And I thought it was interesting.

Matthew Shephard is certainly a martyr. He was brutally beaten and killed.

Something that interested me was the reaction of the people closest to Matthew when they heard his death being passed off as something other than it was (a hate crime): a drug deal, a robbery. And understandably so: these misleading claims take the whole focus of his death off of his martyrdom. The mere mention of a fact that contradicted any of the "accepted" story (the canon, if you will) was made to seem as a heresy of sorts.

Yes. I'm comparing their reverence for Shephard to that of Christians for Christ.

And yet, I feel like when people show the same reverence for Jesus, and his cause the Gospel, and strive to keep the truth of his name and history in its place, people mock them. People get so angry at the mere mention of the Bible. When we get angry at a documentary undermining some of the central tenets of our faith, we get angry. They are reducing Jesus to a simple teacher, or a radical, a normal man.

You'd think we'd be angrier. What if we had the same intensity for the integrity a man who gave his life for ours? Perhaps we have become calloused. I speak for myself.

And I suppose this goes both ways. I know there are Christians out there mocking the tragic story of Shephard, trying to mar the story or twist it, trying to lessen the impact his death has had on the GLBTQ community.

Its just a shame. We spend so much time throwing mud at the other side, both sides, that we can't learn from each other.

Looking at his Photographs

I don't know what to do with my feelings right now.

I'm beginning to realize how much I needed this break. This break in our relationship has been a breath of fresh air that I didn't know I needed.

I looked at his pictures, and i didn't feel a rush of regret or pain. I almost felt indifference. And that kinda freaks me out. Its like our relationship never happened. I wasn't even attracted to him.

I'm at a point where I don't want to see him. Ever.

I don't know what to make of this. It hasn't even been a month since we initiated this break, and my feelings are settling. Have i forgotten how I felt when he gave me those roses? Or when we had our moments alone in his apartment or in echo park?

Why am i only remembering the difficult parts, the awkward parts where I didn't know what to say or do, the fights and the tension? There was plenty of good to go with the bad. But all I can remember is the bad. Does the bad outweigh the good in my mind?

Maybe its a result of the feelings I'd had that led up to us splitting for a while. Maybe those feelings of anxiety are tarnishing what was actually there.

Or maybe its revealing what was there, that I was trying to hide from myself.

I don't know. I have a few months so set things right, and a conversation with him after all this to figure out what to do. I think that conversation will decide what we do. for now, I just need to analyze, analyze, analyze and hope we make the right decision.

The Golden Compass

AKA the alethiometer. It tells the truth. Mmhmm.

You can't hate a book you've never read before. So despite the past controversy over His Dark Materials, I plan on reading them. I am in the middle of the first one.

I can see the parallels to Narnia that he makes, with the innocent little girl and the author's clear partiality to this type of child both authors have created as the protagonist. The talking animals, the snow and the woods, some random scenes that seem to allude to scenes in the Chronicles. I remember hearing somewhere that His Dark Materials are an atheist's response to the Chronicles. I don't know if that came from the author himself or an analysis, but I can definitely see it. If/When I read the other two books, I might make a comparison. But I can't now.

I'm in a Mood right now. I think they happen on Saturdays when i get bored and my mind wanders.

I have a love-hate relationship with everything that challenges my beliefs. I hate it when they first come along, challenging the very core of my values, catching me off guard in Patricia-land. I hate it when something makes me think, because i don't always like to. I like to blank out and let whatever will come to me (sometimes I think that's how i treat life in general. But that's a different post). As a result, I've become good, too good, at sitting, standing, teetering, on the fence of two ideals.

Sometimes I wonder if i have any opinions at all. I know I do, but sometimes I feel like I'm too objective about life. There are some things that I have no opinion on that I feel like i really should, especially when it comes to Christian-charged topics like the role of women (in marriage, leadership, life), Creation vs. Evolution, evangelism tactics, hell, Bible reading, what to do with my life, etc. And I don't like to act on anything unless I'm sure of my opinion. So I'm sure to the outsider that i am a ridiculously passive person, and I guess in some ways I am.

Meh.

Singes Minges

Ohhh Christian Dating relationships, they are so awkward.

I've decided that I hate the dating process. I think guys and girls should be friends and single until they are ready to marry. None of this petty, stupid, relationship crap that makes all your friends jealous and sad that they don't have one to cling to and cry to and call every night, that keeps you up at night wondering if this is the ONE. I hate the pressure to date, the pressure to BE IN A RELATIONSHIP before you get married.

I don't know how this situation would manifest itself. But in theory, it sounds great to me.

Especially if, like my situation, the guy and girl are going down the abstinent path.

I am sick of dating. I've dated my current boyfriend for almost 3 years (We're taking a break now), and I feel like much of it has been a lot of awkward sexual tension. There has been a lot of great memories, of course, but... the tension is there still. We are both very "bashful" people, as he describes it, and we haven't gone very far (1st base, pretty much). But I'm sure we've thought about it enough. More than enough. I sure have. And it drives me crazy, but in the fantasy it just seems so right.

It makes a friendship near impossible if you want to just be friends for a while post-relationship, because you can never be friends in the normal sense, not after all those emotions you went though together, all the "almost"s and the "we shouldn't do this"s. As much as you love the friendship you have, it can't ever be just a friendship. There will always be the nagging stowaways in the back of your mind, reminding you of what once was.

Christians who value saving sex for marriage are caught in such a strange limbo. This is me. No sex. Until marriage. It kinda sucks, and while I definitely value my virginity, I REALLY want to give it to someone meaningful SOON. And he'd BETTER appreciate it.

Either that, or I'm moving to Virgin Island. No, not the ones named for Queen Elizabeth I. Nope, I'm finding an island and creating a haven for tormented women in sex-less long-term dating relationships with no changes of the last name in sight. We will eat brownies and watch non-romantic comedies and have strobe-light parties. I will hole myself up there, with nothing to remind me of this thing called sex that our United-Statesian culture worships and loves so much.

My boyfriend with whom I am taking a break is definitely meaningful to me. But I want to go through all of college single (as in not married). I decided this a while ago. But I didn't know then what I know now about what happens when you are sexually attracted to someone, someone you are with a lot, someone you are emotionally attached to as well, someone you love. I didn't think I even had that capacity in high school. OH MAN is it difficult. Three years. Three whole years of this sexually tense friendship that I cherish with all my anxiety ridden, emotionally bipolar, soft, squishy, heart. I LOVE HIM BUT I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE TENSION!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh, I hate sex. I'll probably love it when it happens to me (with my consent of course) but for now, I hate it. It tortures me, it wont leave me alone. Its always there, as I walk to school or sit at home or play water polo. Its like smelling hot fudge all the time but never getting to have any, not even a taste, until you get the MRS degree, the contract/diploma, the marriage/class ring, the white dress/black robes, the garter/tassel.

God gave me this drive of the sexual nature. It is intended for good. But it makes my life so hard sometimes, and I haven't even USED it. All its done it make me cramp and bleed and kill off potential children once a month, not to mention the money wasted on chocolate and the inner urge to punch a random passerby in a blaze of fury and immediately apologize for my Aunt Flo's erratic behavior.

This felt good to write. Its not out my system by any means, but I humor-ized it and I feel a bit less psychotic than I did approximately an hour ago. I feel like I can deal.