Glorieta Post 1

Here I am, a big summer camp dining hall lunch-lady/dish-washer extroardinaire. And now, here comes the flow of questions! I'm sure they'll be answered in due time, but until then, I'll mull them over in the back of my mind.

1. Does God command you not to marry someone? If He does, then how? I always hear about people saying that "God told me not to marry this person because of *this and that*." I know this is often used as an excuse to break up with someone in a holy-sounding way, but sometimes people were so much better off without the person, even if they loved them. I find this odd and counter-intuitive. I guess, in a roundabout way, I'm asking myself and God if I'll be married to my boyfriend by next summer or not. (I'm sure it has nothing to do witht he two back to back weddings I just attended... ;) ) I want to be sure, but being sure is driving us both crazy. Blarg.

sidenote: I've decided that the Fear of Commitment is the lamest excuse ever. Who ISN'T afraid of diving into something wholeheartedly and having to put time and effort into something? Srsly. Whenever I'm afraid to commit to something, its because I'm just too lazy to do it, or I have (or think I have) good reasons for not doing it or stalling it. Ultimately, it isn't fear of commitment. *steps off soap box*

2. Called vs. Chosen. I heard an interesting talk this first week about being "driven" vs being "called." I have a lot of insecurity around people who say they have "found their calling" in missions or teaching or whatever, while I'm sitting here wondering what to do with my life. I don't know how much waiting I should do or how much "doing" I should do. For now, I'm just following my heart and doing what I want to do and/or feel I should do, and seeing what happens.

I wonder right now if even coming here was an attempt at being "driven," or as a cover up for running away (figuratively) again, or a little bit of both. I felt like God wanted me here, but I wonder if my insistence on going made me ignore Him?

*brain hurts*

3. Spiritual gifts. Does Paul mention ALL of them in the Bible, or can a certain person have one that is particular to that person (like the Spiritual Gift of Video Game Pwnage)? Are Paul's just general gifts such that every Christian should have at least one? If someone can reach Christ though video games, does that make it a gift, or a calling, or ? And we should strive to obtain the higher gifts, I read. Is a gift like a talent, similar to music or sports, such that no matter what level of natural ability the person has, they can always improve in it with practice? Is a "worldly" gift lesser than a spiritual gift? Or are they the same in the sense that God gives them to us?

I think I need a vocab lesson in Christian-ese. I'm getting all my terms mixed up. Maybe not going to church for 2 months is whittling down my skillz.

Maybe I should drop Christian-ese since I'm failing it.

Oh, one more thing. I keep finding all of these "hints" on how Christianity should be:
-How much you love God is reflected in how much you love His Word
-A woman should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him to find her
-lots of stuff about how being passionate is good (I don't remember the wording, this is jsut the impression I got)

I think people should be careful when writing these things. They all have an element of truth, to be sure, and it is good to have encouraging words. But the first one implies that the person who reads the Bible more loves God more. That kinda bothers me. It toes the line of legalism. (I do think reading the Bible is good) The second one sounds great, but it also bothers me. I'm not "lost" in God. I'm lost here on Earth, and God is the light I'm trying to follow out of this mess. Maybe I'm just weird. And all the passionate stuff just makes me feel inadequate and awkward. I don't always wake up with a smile on my face, proclaiming "I LOVE GOD!!!!" to the world with flower petals streaming out of my hair after my nature walk with Jesus (I figure heaven might be like that, maybe minus the petals). Sometimes my passion tank is completely dry, and I'm running on the fumes of the few Bible verses I have memorized. I guess I suck at life on these days, hmm?

Its not that I hate encouraging words. Sometimes, though, the most encouraging thing for me is for someone to tell me they are going through the same thing and this is how they are dealing with it. I don't like how impersonal the notes are.

I'm hunting for something real in all of this, and I know it is here. The prayer garden is awesome. I hope to learn a lot. This is kinda my *BLARGH* post right now.

The Unlikely Disciple

I'm so excited to read this book. Its exactly the perspective I've been wanting: an honest-to-goodness look at Conservative Christian Culture from the perspective of a liberal agnostic college kid point of view. I read the first chapter 5 minutes ago and am already excited. Maybe I wont be sleeping tonight (bad idea, but finals are over! and I'm in the best mood ever). half.com and Arizona Daily Star, you made this literary adventure possible by providing me knowledge of and affordable access to this book. Thank You, and Good Night.

Grrr

Sometimes, I just want to scream at someone, but I don't have the words. So instead, I just am silent, so I don't yell incoherently.

I always hear it said to not pen up your anger. Often, the first step is putting words to your feelings before you can do this properly. As I am slow with words, I don't get this chance often. And I'm never sure how long after the anger-inducing incident would still be an acceptable time to release the feelings. And so they sit.

Fail. Epic fail. I really want school to be done now so I can stop being emo, and stop hating myself for being a bad student.

Advice

I am pretty terrible at giving advice. I usually have to think and overthink an issue before I get a good idea of how things should go, and usually by then the problem is over. I don't have a lot of life experience. I go by what I observe and what I hear and what I feel, all of which I know can be misleading.

So what do I trust if I can't trust my own understanding?

I suppose I should "Trust in the LORD with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding," but that is ridiculously hard. I don't think it is emphasized enough how hard it really is to believe in Christianity. I don't know how many times I have sat back and looked at how crazy my beliefs truly are. A man in ancient Israel who is actually God incarnate lives, preaches amazing things, and is crucified. Then, he comes back to life, conquering death and saving us all from ourselves (if we so choose)! He moves in all of us through the Holy Spirit, which changes our outlook on the world from our heart outward.

Incredible, no? I completely understand why people think we are weird! Sometimes we've been around this message so long, we compare it to the simplicity of 2+2=4 (which, if you take math philosophy, may not be so simple. But we wont talk about that. You're welcome.), and when people don't get it we get frustrated with them. What if someone asked you to take a red pill and allow some other spirit being to come in and change your life? Would you do it?

Another thing that often strikes me is how late in Christs life his ministry began: 30 years old. I feel like I am so often pressured to "use my college years for the glory of God! Go Go Go on missions! Its the best time ever to do so!" And I suppose it is the best time physically, but I feel like I'm cramming for some sort of test (I feel the same way about our education system, but I wont talk about that either. You're welcome again.). Why did Jesus wait until he was 30? To gain enough life experience to have a good ministry and an accurate assessment of the human condition? To grow out of adolescence and not have hormones racing through his body all the time? In essence, to become mature? Was Christ always mature? Did he cry as a baby? I'm only speculating, but it gives me something to wonder about, and encourages me in the fact that I don't have to have something spectacular happening in my life yet to be considered a Good Child of God.

In case you couldn't tell from my other posts, I am very insecure about myself and my future and my place in life. I suppose its the college condition.

So back to my point, I am still unsure of my ability as of now to give advice. If someone asks me what to do, and I don't have an answer, I kinda feel like a jerk or a bad friend or something. I want to help, but advice is not my strongest suit. I feel ridiculously immature. If I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how should I know what someone else is supposed to do?

I've been learning to pray whenever I am confused about something like this. Writing helps too, though. It organizes my jumbled, scattered thought process and puts it in plain, simple English. And even though I am still confused, I am now confused with a clear mind.

My Water Polo Verse

"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2

Bible words

So I was on bible.com today, and I was reading about what they think the Bible says about certian issues.

I think what makes things like this sound so high and holy is the amount of Bible language they use. I looked at one on masturbation, and they said in about 5 paragraphs what I can say in three: It's an addiction. But they kept going on and on about "purity" and "lust" and "self-control" and "God's wonderful creation" etc. I get it already! Children masturbate all the time without knowing it. Are they doing it out of lust for that poster on the wall? I'm not arguing for whether or not this is a good or a bad thing. I just wish that places with "bible answers" would speak in plain english and not in "christian"-ish.

I feel like most of the thing we are told not to do in church are because they are addicting to some people, like smoking or drinking or masturbating or drugs or, in the case of Mormons and probably many christians (though I don't know any), caffeine. I know that everyone has their limits. However, just because Susie over here goes crazy and runs her mouth after one drink doesn't mean Sally over here will. Smoking is a fairly recent thing considered "unchristian" since it was regarded as unhealthy. And it is addicting. However, from what I've gathered talking to people who do smoke, some of them addict to it more than others.

The basis behind everything is "Thou shalt not have any other idols before me." And you absolutely should not put anything before God. And I think there are some things that the Bible is clear about that a God-fearing Christian should not do, like adultery and murder and what-not. But if the Bible doesn't specify, I think it should be up to each person where their line for these things is to be drawn, not the church.