Its a simple concept

Today, my prayer was simple: "Dear Lord, thank you for giving me that spiritual punch in the face that made everything so clear."

I've been really bogged down lately about "God's will for my life" and "What God thinks I should do" about this and that. And I've decided that thinking this way is a chasing after the wind. Yes.

"The mature Christian is more concerned with serving God today than finding God's will for tomorrow." (thechristianwoman.com... don't know the author's name)

*punch* ow.

This punch is two-fold. First, it pretty much tells me up front what an immature loser I am for wasting my thoughts and prayers on things that shouldn't be taking me away from my quiet times. Second, it sheds a terrible light on my (lack of a) "spirits heart" when it comes to God. Serving him in the simple things like reading my Bible, praying, serving others. Simple worship that I haven't been doing because my mind has been "out to lunch."

So stupid. I hate the thought of all that wasted time and emotion.

So tomorrow, I will change things. I will start my day with a quiet time. A quiet time doesn't need to be anything special, just a conversation in the morning with Someone Special. I think, if nothing else changes in my habits, this habit will probably make a big difference, more than changing most. And I used to resist the idea of having a quiet time in the morning, because I can't really see or think in the morning until I've been up a while. Excuses excuses! I will find a way to wake up. Take that, morning grogginess! I am coming after you!

I think, this way, the prospect of God's Will will not be so scary when the time comes for me to face it. Because then, once I am in the habit of serving God in the little things, taking a bigger step forward will be the natural thing to do, habitual.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Rejection

I'm terrified of it.

I'm only friends, I'm starting to realize, with people that are easy to be friends with. Generally people who aren't sarcastic, who don't shoot me down, who like me. And I'm also realizing that it doesn't match up going the other way. This is not how it should be. But its the easiest way to live: the age old path of least resistance.

Being kind and friendly to people who don't reciprocate these. Being an open book to everyone (within reason). Being myself around everyone, not hiding behind my phlegmatic front that I give people who I think will dislike me. This is what I want to do.

It goes the same when it comes to being a light for Christ. I only am when it is easy. When it gets hard, I just stop. Its dumb. But I guess its normal.

Actually, it goes for everything. In school if it gets hard, I stop trying. With relationships, when it gets hard, I stop trying. With Bible studies, when it gets hard, I stop trying. Arg.

Lazy lazy lazy. And I know I'm not the only person like this. Its a deceptively vicious cycle that is easy to get caught in.

*POP*

Another bubble of mine has been popped, in a way that makes me feel a little bit more out of the loop of life.

Of course its about sex. Sometimes I feel like everyone has had it except me. Even here in this Christian Bubble I'm working at I feel that way. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it makes me feel like I developed wrong or something.

The bubble was about how many Christians have actually *done it* that are my age (21) and never married (a lot. Great stats, I know). I should have figured, of course, but I think I left the bubble there in its place to make me feel like less of a prude. Now its gone, dangit, and I have to sit here and try to figure out why I'm a prude, why guys scare me, and what I can learn from it.

I'm a virgin, not out of my own ambition to be one, but just because of who I am. I completely close myself off to guys who try to get too close. The reason I'm with my boyfriend is that he kept knocking, even making me feel awkward at times with all his obnoxious knocking, until I finally just opened up to him. I wonder if, given the opportunity, or temptation, if you will, if I would have given in. I suppose I'll never know.